


The Oceans Between Us

by Tamuril



Category: Harry - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Lily a, Lily isn't a good person for a moment, M/M, Nymphadora Tonks Lives, One-Sided Attraction, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Remus Lupin Lives, Severitus | Severus Snape is Harry Potter's Parent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2020-10-11 07:50:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20542649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamuril/pseuds/Tamuril
Summary: After the marriage between Lily and James, Severus Snape sends her his Patronus to deliver a message.  Unexpectedly, Lily responds in person.  What starts as a reconciliation, becomes something much more, leading to that which cannot be undone.





	1. Vision becomes Flesh

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't read the books in a while, so any mistakes from here on in, are not intentional. Do forgive the errors, as I'm sure there are many. But enjoy. Comments to help me develop my writing are greatly appreciated. I meant to put more into this chapter, but ran out of time, so I this one will probably be edited again soon. Until next time: Love, Peace, and Hair Grease.

## The Song of Love and Death

by [Alfred Tennyson, 1st Baron Tennyson](https://www.poetrynook.com/poet/alfred-tennyson-1st-baron-tennyson)

_Sweet is true love, tho' given in vain, in vain;_  
_And sweet is death, who puts an end to pain;_  
_I know not which is sweeter, no, not I._

_Love, art thou sweet? then bitter death must be;_  
_Love, thou art bitter; sweet is death to me._  
_O Love, if death be sweeter, let me die._

_Sweet love, that seems not made to fade away,_  
_Sweet death, that seems to make us loveless clay,_  
_I know not which is sweeter, no, not I._

_I fain would follow love, if that could be;_  
_I needs must follow death, who calls for me:_  
_Call and I follow, I follow! let me die!_

When she saw him, Lily always tried to remember the little boy form the park of their shared childhoods. Then, he was at once shy and awkward, yet confident and proud; always so assured of his destiny. Severus had been the first friend she had that had understood and accepted her for what she was. Now, she needed to remember that, otherwise, she would've just left before he even answered the door. At one time, she had lived for those moments when she got him to smile and laugh, because to her, he had been the most handsome when he did. But those moments he saved for her, only for her. Otherwise, he was melancholic and most people, then and now, either avoided him altogether or kept conversation to a minimum. But she loved him in an almost desperate way and had always wanted to know him absolutely, a feeling which had dulled, but had not really gone away. It had taken everything within herself and the constant vigilance of her friends to keep her from going back to him sooner. But they weren't here now to point out how flawed he was, that he would hurt her. The young woman knew, too, that if a wedding band couldn't keep her at home where she should've been, then nothing truly would. 

To her, he was both like a diamond and nightfall. There was so much to him and depending upon how the light hit him, another, sometimes delicate facet could be seen. Lily knew that he was intelligent, so much so, that she sometimes felt that he would leave her behind. Yet at the same time, he kept himself in a self-imposed darkness, only ever showcasing that brilliant mind, leaving his emotions just under the surface, only to be seen if he so wished. She could see that he buried those emotions even further now, seemingly learning the wrong lessons from the final argument that had parted them for so long. Even as a child, he had been guarded and only allowed glimpses into who and what he was. The more he showed to her, the more she wondered what had happened to him to create the fractured man. Even as a child, she could sense that there was something wrong, yet had no idea how to even proceed from that point. The few times that she did try, he clammed up and Lily saw the violence in those eyes as he struggled against whatever had lain just beneath the surface. Her parents became concerned with the boy and though they tried to get past the distrust, he was always wary of them, of any adult for that matter.

Lily, not one to do things in half measures, had tried to pour as much love into him as she could in the hope that he would trust and open up to her, but it seemed a vain effort. He and others had told him that was selfish, but she didn't think that word quite fit. What little he shared of his home-life, left little wonder why he was as troubled as he was. She wanted him to be free of all of it, but it was like part of him couldn't bear to be without it. The first time that she got too close, there was something in his eyes that confused her and she stopped. That was when she realized how far away from him she actually was. It occurred to her then, that despite her best efforts, she could not save him from himself. Then those beautiful eyes of his began to reveal even less of what he felt and it had hurt so much, that the closeness they once shared had been lost. It was that distance, more than the cruel word he had spat out in anger and humiliation that, which caused her to make the decision she had made. Not that the word didn't hurt, because it did. She felt them like daggers in her soul and felt that he had deserved her indifference for hurting her like that, especially since she always had tried to stick up for him.

Yet, if he called, she would answer, which was why she was here now, albeit years later. And standing at the front door, she realized how much of a foolish decision it actually was. Both had made their decisions and there was little point to actually talking about it, as it would lead to an argument. Lily had also married James and that should have been enough of a reason to keep her at home, not here facing an ex-friend, whose affection she was no longer certain of. But when he had cast his Patronus and it spoke to her in his voice, she knew then that she could not refuse him. There was something in that voice that had scared her and thinking on it now, she finally realized what it was. There was resignation and in all the years that she had known him, he had never let anyone break him. Lily wondered then if he was seeking his own destruction. And as he opened the door to her, shocked to even see her there, she was both elated and heartbroken. He had grown into those teenage features and while not exactly handsome, he was both striking and imposing. It had attracted her almost instantly, but there was no anger, but worry in those arresting eyes of his. Some things never change, she thought. He had grown up and changed, but those dark eyes of his could still ensnare you. So they both stood still for a moment, seemingly stuck in a moment, afraid that if either moved, the vision of the other would flit away.

Still shocked, he wordlessly opened the door further open and allowed her entry. The house had never been an inviting one from the outside and Severus never invited her when they were younger. As a child, she used to wonder why that was, but now that she was older she understood. It was haunted; haunted with bad memories that were ingrained in the foundation itself. Such a strange thing now that she was being allowed in now, especially with how things had been when they last parted. It was clear that his occupancy there was quite irregular, but he made sure that it was now a place with an over-abundance of elements from the wizarding world. However, like the man himself, the arrangement was one of control and austerity--everything had its proper place and he had obviously put a great deal of effort into ridding it of all possible 'muggle' accoutrements, in an effort, she thought, to destroy that very part of himself. She wondered how he could do that, bury that part of himself with so much seeming indifference. He had led her to the kitchen and they both sat down, expecting this visit of hers to be a rather short one. Lily had wondered what to say now, but had no idea where to start.

"How--" she trailed off, as she gazed around the kitchen.

"My father is dead," he said, his voice soft. "The house is mine and has been for a while now." 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lily asked, impulsively reaching for his hand, "and where is your mother?"

"Both are gone. I'm surprised your mother didn't tell you. Besides, I didn't see much of a point. You and I weren't speaking and besides that, you're with....him."

She tensed at the reference to her husband, "I still lo--care about you you. Surely you know that, Sev. I would have come to see you then. I know how much you loved your mother."

"It wouldn't have matter anyway. I didn't exactly mourn the vicious bastard and I had been mourning her long before she died."

"That's besides the point and you know it. Who's left to care for you now?"

He looked at her curiously, "It's a very short list, I admit, but why does it matter?"

"Only because you push them away. Why do you think I did what I did? I thought I lost you."

He looked at her as if seeing her for the first time, "I was always lost. You were just--," he trailed off, not quite sure himself what he want to say.

"Just what? An idiot who wanted to spend time with you? Someone in the way? Tell me. What exactly was I to you?"

"Hope," a barely perceptible smile on his lips. "You were always that. I was never worthy of it or you, Lily. I always knew it, but I always loved you."

"What did you say?" 

His face paled when he realized what he had said. Severus had prided himself on his self control and had every intention of stopping himself from telling her about his love for her. Her question was still hanging in the air and he couldn't bear to look at her, not after that kind of admission. When he dared do it, he saw her eyes full of surprise and sadness. Eventually, he put the kettle on to make tea, a habit of his mother's when she was nervous or uncomfortable. And though he tried to hide it, his hands were shaking and he silently cursed himself for behaving this way. She had watched him move with a dancer's grace in that forlorn kitchen, still trying to process everything that he had just said. She wanted to believe that it was just affection, but the way he said it that told her that it was much deeper than he wanted to admit. Neither was sure how long the silence had lasted, but it felt strange to both that their friendship had dissolved from relishing each other's company to an uncomfortable silence. Lily ventured after seeing him at at the stove more that was appropriate for the preparation of tea, "Sev?"

"Yes, Lily?"

"Do you have something stronger? I don't think this is a conversation that requires tea."

"I have whisky. Will that suffice?"

"Well, you are human after all," she laughed, trying to ease the tension. He pulled out the whisky from one of the cabinets and grabbed two tumblers. After sipping a portion that he had poured for her, she said, "This isn't from the wizarding world. I'm surprised at you."

"Why surprised?"

"You seem so intent on destroying every muggle part of yourself. It just seems strange for you to have this."

"It was gift from one of my father's friends. I don't even know why I kept it."

"Maybe because we both need to have it in order to talk together now," she noticed how he hadn't even poured himself a glass. "Or maybe I just do."

"There," he said, after pouring himself a glass and sipping at it. "Though I don't see why we can't just drink tea."

"Did you mean what you said when you said you loved me?"

Severus had hoped that she would forget that he had even said and in that moment, and simultaneously wishing that had the easy manner to utter a jest without sounding cruel like Regulus or even Lucius. In truth, his mind had wandered off to glance at a memory of the two of them as children before they left for Hogwarts, leaving his heart without any supervision. Severus should've known that she would circle back to what he really didn't want to discuss with her or anyone, for that matter, wondering not for the first time, how she was always able to catch up off guard. Even if he felt prepared, it still happened and it was one such an annoyance to him. Of course, Lily was as beautiful and innocent to him as she always had been; a sun that he couldn't look at for long without shrinking away from, knowing that the rays would eventually expose something of himself, making her, to his mind, even more dangerous. He drank the rest of the whisky in his glass in one go and after setting the glass back down, looked at both the glass and her. "Of course, you were right about the whisky. Maybe I was saving it for you."

"Sev, please. I need to know."

"Why do you need to know that? We've both made our choices, so it shouldn't mean anything. Especially now," he poured himself another drink and imbibed it just as quickly.

"It would mean more to me than you think. Please tell me."

"Yes," he said so softly, that she almost missed it. "I loved you then and I love you now."


	2. Broken Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily is hurt by his belief that they will never see each other again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Life gets pretty crazy and posting a new chapter can be challenging as a result, but I will do my best to make sure that I make regular updates. In addition, I will probably go back and edit things occasionally. Have a wonderful weekend! And if you're running the Chicago Marathon, you're going to rock it!

"Go ahead and mock me if you wish," he said, staring at his own hands, avoiding the rejection that was sure to come. "Do it and go."

"Mock you? Oh Sev--do you really think that I would do that to you? I sometimes wonder whether you really know me," she placed a gentle hand on top of one of his own to reassure him that she was still there, that she was not going to abandon him. 

As soon as he felt her touch, he pulled away as if he'd been stung and that, perhaps more than his words, hurt more, "You married him, so that's mockery enough."

"I married him because you broke my heart," she said, hastily consuming the rest of the whisky in her glass. "You abandoned me, Sev."

He had heard the sadness as she whispered those words, but he still could not bring himself to look at her, to see the emotions on her face. Severus Snape, who had occasionally been subjected to the Cruciatus, was desiring that rather than knowing that he had hurt her more deeply than he thought. It was then, that he wished for an angry Lily, not the one seated before him, trying to keep the tears from falling. For a moment he lost control and before he could stop himself, a deluge of words fell from his lips, "And you abandoned me, Lils. I was angry and you know those words weren't meant. I apologized, yet you still left. My heart broke when you married him, so I suppose we're even now."

"Even? Really? You can't possibly mean that," she said, feeling herself becoming angry. "As intelligent as you are, you still don't understand."

"What is there to understand? He will give you all I cannot. You deserve it."

"Perhaps he can give me certain things for a comfortable, respectable life, but what I truly want he can't give me," she reigned in her anger at that. At that, he poured more whisky into both tumblers. For a moment they eyed the liquid before practically inhaling it. With glasses back on the table, the imperfect host poured more for them both. He really didn't want to talk anymore since he didn't see much of a point to it, so he just shifted the glass between both hands, expecting her to just leave. Lily considered the glass in front of her, but decided to not drink anymore. She thought about leaving, now seeing that he had not changed very much from the last time that they had argued. Both, with some of that liquid courage coupled with stubbornness, regarded each other in silence. He then decided to take a sip, before saying softly, "This was a mistake. I shouldn't have asked you to come."

"Then why did you, Sev? I sensed something was wrong and now you won't tell me? How foolish of me to believe that you grew up."

"It doesn't matter anymore. You need to leave," he said brusquely, rising unsteadily from his chair. It then occurred to him then that he had no idea how much of the liquor he consumed.

"And if I do not?" Lily frowned at how petulant she sounded.

"Who's the child now?"

"Then answer my question: Why did you wish to see me?"

"I will answer yours, if you will answer mine," he said, pain etched on that pale face of his.

"Fine," she said, clearly frustrated and crossing her arms over her chest and tapping her foot on the floor. Lily knew well enough how much that annoyed him, yet she did derive some pleasure at how annoyed he was in that moment. Of course, it was passive-aggressive, but there was no way that she could justify strangling him for being this difficult. He could never just say what was on his mind; it always had to be a dance and right now, it was not the time for it. Severus had opened a door and she was going to enter, whether he really wanted her to or not. If he didn't want anything to happen, then he shouldn't have invited it in the first place. She saw his eyes soften and he sighed heavily and since he was about to speak, she shifted in her seat, and reached across the table to take hold of his hands to encourage him.

"I wanted to know if you were happy," he murmured. "Then I was going to stay out of your life for good."

"Why would you stay out of it?"

"That's another question, but for friendship's sake, I'll answer it." He tried to pull his hands away, but she gripped them even tighter, "You know what I am and you should know that I joined them. The only way to protect you is to keep away from you. I should have known in school, but I was....and we were.....I just wanted to see you one last time."

"You are so melodramatic sometimes," Lily said, trying to hide how much that troubled her. "I had my suspicions, to be honest. Certainly, there must be a way out."

"Yes, death."

"What if you went to Dumbledore? He, of all people, would know what to do."

"And do what exactly? He has no reason to trust me and if you vouch for me, everyone will think that I'm either deceiving you or have you under some sort of curse."

"Oh, Sev! You really are an idiot. I sometimes wonder why I even bother trying to help you."

"Are you happy?" Instead of responding to that barb, he extricated his hands from hers, "Surely you did not come just to waste time with your enemy."

"You're not my enemy. If I was, you would've already cursed me. Is that your question, then?"

"It is. This is the worst idea I've had in a long time. Why didn't I just write a letter?"

"Well, you know that I would've responded in person, especially if I felt that you were in trouble...….eventually, anyway," she replied. "Somehow, I'm always able to forgive you."

He shook his head, wondering why she was delaying in answering the question. All he wanted for her to do was admit that she was, then leave him alone. Severus looked away from her when there was another round of silence.

"I worry about you, Sev. Just because you anger and frustrate me does not mean I quit caring. And no, I'm not happy."

"Not happy?" His eyes locked with hers, utterly surprised at that. While a skilled legilimens, he would never use that talent against her. "He doesn't hurt you, does he? I'll kill--"

"No, it's not that, at all," she interrupted him. Before elaborating further, she finished whatever whisky was in her glass and poured another.

"Then what is it?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"I do."

"There's the Sev I know. Always so curious," she forced a smile.

At that, he gulped down what remained in his own drink. There was something about how she said that that made him want to drink whatever was remaining in the bottle, "Lily, if you don't want to tell me, don't feel obligated."

"I must. You almost make me believe that I'll never see you again."

"You may not," he said. "I don't exactly have a lot of friends on my side or yours."

"And I doubt you would want much help from either," which got him to laugh. She found the courage then to say, "The reason I'm not happy is because of you."

"Because I'm on the wrong side? I really am not what you should be worried about."

"No, because I'm in love with you," Lily replied, her face blanching as she realized what she had said aloud to him. Lily didn't even dare to look at him, terrified at her own admission and how he would take it. In desperation, she took another drink from her glass and the time had passed for a small laugh to show that it was simply a jest. Severus was silent and without even looking at him, his shock was palpable and she could feel his eyes upon her. Before deciding that the wisest decision was to leave, she felt him take her hand within his own. Rather than soothing her, it had the opposite effect and she felt even more conflicted, perhaps afraid that he was right and they would never see each other again. So in effect, she felt glued to her seat, unable to do much more than just become a statue. Severus felt as lost as she did and knew that much like his admission earlier, it was not something that she wanted to have spoken aloud, especially to him. It could only make things worse.

"Lily, I....," he trailed off. "For how long?"

"Since fifth year, the beginning of it. At least, that was when I noticed. I suspect that it was well before then," she pulled away from him, feeling incredibly embarrassed. Here Lily was, berating him for not opening up to her, when she couldn't even convince herself to either. What a pair they made, she thought. 

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I thought you knew!" Lily finally made herself look at him, "I didn't know how to tell you, my best friend, that I felt that way. And when you called me _that, _I thought you didn't like me anymore."

"Lily...."

"I was so hurt and angry that I couldn't bear to look at you." Then her voice softened, "Yet, I still couldn't let go of you."

"You need to leave," he said, after her words hung in the air for several moments. "For your own sake. I cannot bear the thought of hurting you anymore than I already have."

"Don't you dare tell me what I need to do. I resented it now as I did then," she bit out. Her voice softened again and she felt tears threatening to fall from her eyes. "I love him, I do. But for you, I would do anything. I can't bear the thought of being away from you. And I wonder what it would be like to be with you. What am I supposed to do?"

"Leave, Lily. Please. My choices have ended what could've been between us."

"What if there's still time? We can--"

"No! I love you too much to risk hurting you again. As much I as I hate him, I can't risk losing you."

"Sev, please."

"I can't. You have no idea what you do to me. I'm not able to restrain myself when it comes to you."

"A kiss, then, to see what we both missed. Just one and I will leave," she said, almost plaintively.


	3. Rubicon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An intimate moment, that lasts too short.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do enjoy! These raining days do sometimes help in the writing process. Let me know what you think, if you have a mind.

**Love's Philosophy**

_The fountains mingle with the river, _

_And the rivers with the ocean, _

_The winds of heaven mix forever _

_With a sweet emotion; _

_Nothing in the world is single; _

_All things by law divine _

_In one another's being mingle;-- _

_Why not I with thine? _

  
  
_See the mountains kiss high heaven _

_And the waves clasp one another _

_No sister flower would be forgiven _

_If it disdained its brother; _

_And sunlight clasps the earth, _

_And the moonbeams kiss the sea; _

_What are all these kissings worth _

_If thou kiss not me?_

** _ \--Percy Bysshe Shelley_ **

Severus stared at her, afraid that by blinking, she would vanish like most things that gave him pleasure. After the last meeting between them, he felt himself to be a small boat tossed by the relentless waves and that despite trying to keep himself afloat, he was losing, knowing that it was his own folly that had put him there to begin with. But seeing her now, calling out to him, signaling out to him like a lighthouse offering succor in the throes of chaos, touched his heart. Only Lily had such a power over him, though he would always fight against it without knowing why. She could always bring out the best in him and he had always been grateful that, at least until their falling out, that she had been as devoted as she was. He had hardly felt worthy of it, never believing that he was even worth saving. And though his devotion was more subtle, mostly because he was fearful that if she knew, she would be repulsed by it. For all his feelings of insecurity, it never occurred to him that she had wanted him. How could she? He was not exactly what most women desired, especially none as beautiful as Lily. She told him, on a few occasions that he could remember, that he was quite striking when he put the effort in. Of course, he never saw it, thinking it only as only being supportive. Looking back on it now, he could see that she was trying to tell him then that she had felt something. Instinctually, he wanted to take her request as a jest, but her face and those eyes told him that she was earnest in what she was asking of him. They held each other's eyes and while he tried to keep his face from revealing too much, she was searching his eyes, almost as if she were trying to reassure him. Severus was not going to deny that he got a certain pleasure of stealing Potter's wife, if only for a moment, but to hold her flush against his own body as he had wished to do for so long couldn't be resisted for long. But now that the opportunity presented itself, he was nervous. When he refused to act, her face became crestfallen. Taking one last shot of whisky, Lily arose to say her goodbye.

"Well, it's clear I overstayed my welcome. You know the truth and I suppose that it means nothing."

"Lily--"

"No, no. I've already embarrassed myself. I need to leave."

She practically ran out of the kitchen to the front door. Before the door could fully open, Severus, closed it, preventing her departure. Lily turned to face him, her eyes gazing once again into his ebony ones. She could feel his erratic heartbeats beating in a strange rhythm with her own. His hands, velvety soft, were on either side of her face and a flash of indecision flashed across his face. Her eyes closed and suddenly, she felt his lips lustily capturing her own. There was so much in that kiss, that she had no idea with where to even start with it, but she knew that as he pulled away from her, that she didn't want it to truly end. No one had ever kissed her even close to that, not even James. James. She had forgotten him and guilt suddenly washed over her. The reasonable part of herself told her to leave, but the rest of her bid her stay. Lily kept her eyes closed, wanting to believe perhaps that this was just a dream and it would be James in front of her. When she did open them, Severus was there, a kaleidoscope of emotions that he had failed to hide flashing across his face. It was almost disarming to see him like that, his passion laid before her. For whatever reason, he looked so handsome in that moment of abandonment that she wanted to memorize everything about him. It wasn't to last as he began to bottle it all back up, in an attempt to extricate himself from this situation. Lily pulled him flush against herself, fighting his insistence on distance. Eventually, the victory was hers as she laid her head against his chest and took a contented breath.

The wizard could not believe what had just happened. One moment he was sitting at the table, regretting that he had reached out to her; the next he had pushed the front door closed and laid claim to her. Severus knew that despite their pronouncements of love that she would leave. How could it be otherwise? He hated himself more for hiding this from her, for driving the woman he loved more than anyone into the arms of a man he utterly despised. Then he felt wetness on his shirt and realized that she was weeping, knowing full well that he was the cause. He couldn't bear the tears staining her cheeks, staining his own wicked heart and he stepped away from her. Her eyes were even more beautiful as she gazed at him and he wanted the melancholy in them to disappear. "I've made you cry," he said, bring a hand to her cheek. "Lily, this is why you need to go. I can bear your anger, but not your tears."

"Oh God, Sev," she said, voice cracking. "Please don't say such things to me. You gave me what I wanted and now....I want more."

"No more. I'm not what you should want, however much I might wish it."

"Idiot," her eyes suddenly flashed. "Do you think I don't already know that?"

"And this is what you want? Me?"

"Yes, always," she said after a moment of silence. Severus had no idea what to say, let alone do. But that look in her eyes told him the truth and as much as he wanted to, couldn't convince himself to give in. She sensed his hesitation, which made her even more frustrated. "Why do you insist on making things so difficult? You don't doubt me, so what is it?"

His tongue felt suddenly heavy in his mouth and he couldn't trust himself to speak. Lily threw her arms up, "Has the great Severus Snape been stunned to silence?"

"Only by you, Lily Evans," he answered, which caused a small smile to her lips.

Now that she had kissed him, she had not really planned anything else. His kiss was certainly better than expected and it was certainly different from her husband's. With that, the guilt came back, yet she could not deny that she wanted so much more from the man standing by the front door. Lily was not heartless, but she hated having to deny her feelings or the realization that she truly desired this difficult man more than the one that she had married. Severus would make everything a battle, Lily knew and she knew he was right when he said that he was not what she should want. And yet, despite reason and propriety, he was what she wanted, body and soul. Despite the promises that she had made, Severus filled a part of her that no one else really could and it was not something that she could clearly explain to anyone else, but in part that had to do with the fact that she couldn't quite explain it to herself, either. While her mind was a million miles away from her physical state, Severus went to the sofa and upon sitting, almost curled himself up with his hands on either side of his head. Part of her believed that he was giving her an out if she needed it, but then it occurred to her that he was just as lost as she was. This was new ground for them both, but seeing him like that, Lily felt that leaving without anything further would just continue to gnaw at her. Eventually deciding to go to him, she knelt before him and forced him to look at her. There was fear in his eyes and it reminded her of the little boy that she had known, that had feared her rejection. There was another kiss, but this one was innocent almost tender, proving that she was not just going to abandon him.

When she pulled away, Lily felt her cheeks flush and looked away from him. Severus forced her then to look at him and she saw that his features had softened a bit. Neither was sure how long they were in that posture, but it was long enough for her to feel the pain in her knees. He saw the discomfort and mumbled an apology to her, while moving over so that she could sit next to him on the rather small sofa. Lily could feel the warmth of his body, realizing it was too close and that her mind was beginning to wander further down that path that had as many thorns as it did roses. Perhaps that was why he was suddenly shy now; he was feeling similarly to her. As if on cue, they both turned to face each other; he placed a hand on her thigh, while she brought a gentle hand to his face. But his eyes asked the question if what he was doing was fine and she smiled gently to reassure him. Gone was the death eater and in his place was the child eager to love and be loved in return. It made him seem almost innocent in a way that he never had been. It was so strange to see him soft and gentle, handling her as if she was the finest piece of china, afraid that a wrong move would destroy what was there. Severus knew already that the fact that she was even here was something of an unexpected miracle. In truth, he never expected this course of events at all; the arguing, yes, of course. But the kiss caught him off guard and she, being the only good thing that was in his life added the uncertainty. Leave it to Lily to make him question and doubt what he was doing. He just wished that he had had been wise enough to know these things when he was younger. Now, it was far too late to truly recapture that old closeness.

It was silent for a long while, both lost in their thoughts, grateful for the comfortable silence, which was so much better than the awkward moments that had punctuated their conversation prior to the kiss. Lily wondered at how different Severus was to all the other men in her life. James and Sirius were both brash and occasionally obnoxious, twin spirits of mirth and good fortune. It was difficult to not be swept up in the ebullience and passions which always seemed to be on full display. It wasn't a mystery why they didn't like Severus, who was far more reserved and secretive. It was also, too, that James had always liked her, which everyone knew about, and he would do anything to win her. Remus was reserved like her best friend, but he could still be light-hearted and friendly, which of course, Severus was not. Lily, though, was convinced that Remus had a crush on him, though there wasn't any hard proof, other than furtive glances. Of course, if she told Severus of her suspicions, he would just say that it was not possible, so she breathed not a word to him about it. Of course, she didn't want to embarrass Remus with it either. And Peter, she felt, was malleable and forgettable, always adjusting himself to whatever the situation was adn trying to behave the right way. At least with how stubborn Severus could be, there was a rawness and honesty there. With Peter, it was always about trying to fit in, rather than just be who he was. How he ended up in Gryffindor was a mystery to her. 

The closest that she had ever seen of optimism was when they were on the Hogwart's Express. She could barely keep still in her excitement and nervousness, while he smiled softly at her obvious pleasure. But as soon as he met the group of boys who would eventually become the marauders, the world he had longed for became a different nightmare than the one he was trying to escape from. It had hurt to see that the various injuries he received at home were only exchanged rather than removed altogether, but it was hard to be fully on Severus's side because he could be just as vicious and cruel in his retaliation. Lily began to see more clearly that what he understood about life was it's harshness, it's inveterate malice, while she carried hope with her like a candle that she wanted to share with others. Of course, it is easy to glance back at how life was spent with a critical eye, when those moments had long since passed. Lily knew, perhaps better than anyone, that Severus had been possessive, even then, but she just assumed that he was being dramatic and exaggerating the abuse that he was receiving at the hands of the marauders. He hardly spoke of what he endured in his own house of Slytherin. Now, she felt guilty, especially since she knew snippets of what he let slip about his home life. In her enthusiasm of school and meeting other witches and wizards like herself, he must have felt that she had left him behind. And James was vibrant and gregarious, the opposite of her darkling friend, so it was easy to just be pulled into the energy he exuded. She felt like a traitor both to her husband and her best friend, whose eyes were focused on her, always upon her.

Severus held her eyes and she felt herself drawn into those dark pools, becoming almost lost in them. It seemed that he was looking searching for something within her own for an answer, which he eventually found. Suddenly, she felt the press of his lips once again upon her own and at once she gave way to them. Time had seemed to slow and Lily wanted this moment to last an eternity. Now that the floodgates had been opened, she feared the calm that was sure to follow, when she would have to leave and return home. Both knew that this shared intimacy was a chrysalis and they feared what would emerge from it once they pulled away from each other. He did pull away, though for a moment, she followed in an attempt to delay the inevitable. When she did eventually open her eyes, she saw the unfettered misery within his own. "Lily," he said, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear. "Why is it that every time I kiss you, my heart breaks a little more? I know that you will soon leave and all that will be left to me are memories."

She pulled away from him, his hand still temporarily in the air where he had cupped her face. His eyes seemed distant then, focused on a dream that was quickly falling away, giving into the truth of reality. Lily knew that he was being honest with her, but hearing those words still felt like a shock, but he was not wrong. She would have to leave and return to her husband, to the comfortable (all things considered) life that she had been so fortunate to have. It still pained her to see the anguish on his face, "Sev, I wish you had said these things sooner, but you are right. I need to go."

Severus was silent and he turned away from her. Knowing that the inevitable was going to happen was different than having it play out was not something that soothed him. She was always going to be just out of reach, which made him feel even worse. Of course, the magic they had shared, he would never forget, though he didn't want her to pull away and leave him in the winter of his own thoughts. This woman, for however briefly, made him believe in the possibility of a glorious world, and he felt that his own voice shattered the magic that was inherent in it, "We both knew it was coming," he said, arising and helping her to her feet. "Memories of you are a treasure to me, as they always have been. After all, you are someone worth living for."

"A poet and a potioneer, dear Sev? How you tempt me," she chuckled, eyes showing how much those words meant to her.

"I ended our friendship with a word."

"And repaired it with poetry and more besides," he smiled at that. 

"You've been wanting to say that for a while," he gently teased.

"Maybe. James hates it when I talk like that. He--," she stopped when he saw the smile fade and the return of sadness to those eyes. "I'm sorry, Sev. I didn't mean it like that."

"It's getting late Lily and there's much that I need to do. You need not worry about me. In fact, it's best that you don't."

"Sev--"

"Lily, I lost the right to be slighted when I said that word. Please.....go home. This is more than I deserved."

"Bye, Sev," she said, as he opened the door for her. Lily took one last look at him, before disappearing into the night.

"Goodbye, Lily," he said to the ghost of a vision left behind.


	4. Demeter and Persephone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June, Lily's mother, is brought into the story as a protective mother, especially when it comes to her youngest child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With few exceptions, I plan on sticking fairly close to the books, though I may make some continuity errors, at least until the end of this story I'm telling.
> 
> I am also a huge Alan Rickman and love his voice. If you haven't heard him read poetry, it's absolutely well worth it and magnetic to listen to.

Excerpt from:** _Demeter and Persephone_**

_ A sudden nightingale_  
_Saw thee, and flash'd into a frolic of song_  
_And welcome; and a gleam as of the moon,_  
_When first she peers along the tremulous deep,_  
_Fled wavering o'er thy face, and chased away_  
_That shadow of a likeness to the king_  
_Of shadows, thy dark mate. Persephone!_  
_Queen of the dead no more -- my child! Thine eyes_  
_Again were human-godlike, and the Sun_  
_Burst from a swimming fleece of winter gray,_  
_And robed thee in his day from head to feet --_  
_"Mother!" and I was folded in thine arms._

_ \--Alfred, Lord Tennyson_

She felt terrible leaving, but the guilt was too much to bear, and she feared what happened if she stayed any longer than she had. Everything, as soon as she left Spinner's End, was chaotic, almost as if Pandora had waited until she left to open that accursed box. Lily knew that she couldn't apparate to the home she shared with James, not when her thoughts were as scattered as they were. It was not fair to James to return home, pretend nothing happened, and continue on as they had done. Her husband was good to her and gave her his heart, which only magnified the sorrow in her heart. If she had just left Severus alone, it would have not been so bad, and it would have been something of a trivial topic between them. Now, she couldn't, not without giving herself away to the feelings that she believed she had lost for her best friend. It was then that she wished for Severus's ability to bottle up those emotions, to wear that mask that she was almost convinced was the real Severus. But she was too much a Gryffindor to hide what she felt from the man that had been so devoted to her that he became her husband. But however much she loved him, there was always Severus, standing in the shadows, tempting her away from the stability that James had always provided for her.

Before she realized where she was, her mother had rushed her inside the always welcoming house. Lily had no idea how out of sorts she was until she was sitting on the comfortable sofa, cradling a cup of tea in her hands. In her state of mind, she didn't realize how preoccupied she was with both Severus and James until she ended up there in the first place. Before she could turn around and walk away, her mother had ushered her through the door, as if sensing that something was terribly wrong. In either case, she was somewhat glad that she was there and not home or with Sev. The redhead could barely stomach either places right now, not when she felt that she was mourning for both losses, both betrayals. Lily was becoming nervous, barely able to stomach the silence it seemed. Her mother had said nothing for several moments, but the worry was clear on her face and Lily felt guilt at not only what she had done, but also causing her mother to feel as she did. "Lily?"

Lily responded to her name, tears still standing in her eyes. June Evans looked at her daughter, anger brewing in her heart at James for causing her daughter so much grief. She would kill the man for making her little girl cry, "What did James do?"

"James?" Lily looked confused, "James didn't do anything."

"Then why are you crying?"

Lily wiped her eyes and shook her head, which confused June even more. Unsure of what else to do, the poor mother took hold of her youngest daughter's hand. In the soothing voice that she had used to calm both of her daughters when they were younger, she asked, "Lily, what is going on?"

"I went to see him."

"Who?"

"You know who. I couldn't help it."

"Severus? Why on earth would you do that?"

"I still love him, mum," Lily answered, softly. "....and when he kissed me...."

"Kissed you? Have you forgotten about James? You made a promise to him."

"I know, I know."

"And wasn't it Severus who broke your heart? I seem to remember you being almost inconsolable when your friendship ended. To go back there.....Lily, why?"

"Yes, but the thought of never seeing him again....it hurts so much."

June calmed somewhat at the obvious unhappiness in her daughter's voice, "What did he tell you?"

"That he said that he wanted to see me one last time. He didn't even tell me his father died. But more than that, he told me that he wasn't worth me worrying over. How could he say that to me? I don't understand why he would do this."

"Lily, have you considered that he may have a point?" June took the tea from her daughter's hand and put it on the living room table and wrapped her in her arms. "You're married to a wonderful man who clearly loves you. What can Severus give you besides more grief and heartache. Sweetheart, you need to leave him be. He made his choice."

Lily sighed, knowing her mother to be right, but the tears still fell from her eyes. And the river did not stop until she was asleep on the sofa, a light blanket cast over her daughters form. June was furious with Severus, not only for making her cry....again, but also for daring to kiss her, knowing that she was married. Not even James could get Lily to respond so emotionally and it bothered her that Severus always could do it. She remembered when she first met the boy; he was trouble, even then, but Severus was all Lily would talk about, so she and her husband decided to give him a chance. But then, things started to change and June began to notice that there was something possessive in their friendship, an abnormal attachment, which she saw in Severus first, then her daughter. They almost seemed infatuated with each other, but were almost desperate in keeping it secret. When the friendship between the pair ended, she then saw that the passionate love the two had for each other was turned into a passionate grief, something funereal. It was as if something in Lily was lost and what it was, she couldn't quite say. Occasionally, she would see Severus, but after he had been rebuffed after several attempts of seeing Lily, he was seen even less. The boy had grown into a solemn and intimidating man, but she did not make any effort to talk to him, nor he her. He had broken her daughter's heart and she could never forgive him for that. Yet, seeing her youngest child crying herself to sleep, angered her so much that she broke that unspoken rule for herself and decided to speak with him.

June pulled up outside the Snape residence and just stared at it. Obviously, the young man had been slowly working on it, but it wasn't anymore inviting than the last time she had driven by it, when Tobias was still alive, loudly complaining about his useless son. Severus, who was no more than 12 or 13 at the time, just took the abuse hurled at him without flinching. June decided then to help the boy more, but with more subtlety, because she knew that he wouldn't accept it, proud child that he was. But the silence that pervaded the house now, bothered her more than anything, because it seemed like there was an almost seething alchemical mixture of hate, resentment, and loss. It amazed her that Lily could stand it, but then again, she knew that her daughter would never truly give up him, then or now. So here she was, knocking on the door, upset on behalf of Lily, waiting for the door to open. When the door finally opened, there he was, swathed in black, eyes displaying annoyance, which softened slightly to perplexity as he looked at her. June flinched a bit under those dark eyes, but otherwise stood her ground, making it perfectly clear that she didn't want to be he here, but that she wasn't going to leave until she said what she had to say. 

"The polite thing to do, Severus, would be to let me in," she said, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence. "Unless you plan on slamming the door in my face."

Wordlessly, he let the clearly very upset woman in, leading her to the sofa. Still silent, he left to put on the kettle, leaving her to look around the room. It definitely did not feel like a home or even remotely comfortable. No pictures were to be seen anywhere, but there were books aplenty. There was no warmth, no love, nothing that made this home seem livable, condemned prior to it even looking the part and the city getting involved. It felt like a waiting room to hell and if she closed her eyes, the oppression only seemed to increase. She felt grateful when Severus returned with two cups of tea, obviously expecting this to be a short visit. His movements were purposeful and graceful, making it quite clear that the malnourished child that she knew had all but disappeared. If that child was going to be found, only Lily would be able to find it, she thought. After handing one to her, he sat down across from her, and quietly observed her for a moment before speaking, "Mrs. Evans, I am surprised to see you here."

That voice of his took her off guard. His voice had a dangerous, silken sensuality to it and she realized how seductive it truly was, of how it would appeal to her daughter. There was no doubt in her mind that it was imperative that she do all she could to keep Lily away from him. Severus would bring her nothing but misery, of that, she utterly convinced. The troubled child had been transformed into a dangerous and seductive man, which worried her more now that she was in his house. "After what you did? How could I not?"

"So she told you...."

"Stay away from her, Severus," she said, setting the tea down on the table. "Then and now, how many times do you intend on breaking her heart?"

"All I wanted to do was see her again and say goodbye. That's it."

"Then tell me why she was crying on my doorstep," she said. "If that's all it was, fine. But it wasn't, was it?"

"She told me she loved me," he said quietly, as if to himself.

"Of course she loves you. Lily has been in love with you for years. Don't tell me that you didn't know." But when he saw his reaction, she realized that he had not known, at least not until recently, "You really did not know, not until she told you."

He shook his head, "No. I never really believed that she did. I thought it was all friendship, nothing more."

"And what do you intend now? I don't care how powerful you are, Severus. If you hurt my daughter, I will make you suffer."

"I already am suffering for my mistakes," he answered. "I would see her happy and will leave her alone."

"You don't get it, do you? It's too late for that. James will know something is wrong the moment he sets eyes on her," June vented her frustration at him. "It doesn't matter how much he gives her, it's always you. I had hoped that his love would turn her heart from you. The spell you wove was quite a powerful one."

Severus sighed heavily. He had been so certain that Lily's presence in his house was a dream and all that had transpired simply his imagination run amok. It hadn't felt remotely real then and until June knocked on his door, felt like something out of a vague fantasy. Now, here Lily's mother was, berating him for breaking the heart of the only person that he ever loved or would love. Severus felt despondent at the realization that he had been so close to what he always wanted and that it was his own fault that it was lost. All because he had been too blind, too jealous to see that Lily had felt as deeply as he had. However, their respective choices had, at least to him, parted them irrevocably, and he had no intention of having the dark lord's eye fall upon her, not if he could help it. He asked, "What would you have me do? I have no intention of reaching out to her again, except to say that she is no longer welcome here."

She just shook her head. It was as if all that she had said had not been spoken. When she caught his eye, it was clear that not only that he expected to not see Lily again, but that he was not equipped to handle anyone saying they loved him and meaning it. The man was afraid of what would happen and so he did the only thing he knew to do, close up and bury it far beneath the surface. Severus arose and made his way to June, who had not moved, but kept her eyes on him. "It is time for you to leave. I have made my choices and will not punish her with them. Tell her I hate her.....anything to keep her away. I know what will happen if she dares come back."

"Severus--"

"I tried to tell her and she must stay away. I know that now and love her too much to ruin her."

June arose and they walked together to the living room door. She turned to look at him, "What does she see you in, Severus? I don't understand what it is about you that she loves so much. If I'd known that this would happen, I would've kept her away from you much sooner than I had."

He said nothing, but pulled the door open, urging her to leave. He finally said, "As it is, my love only causes her pain. For that, I'm truly sorry, June. I didn't mean to."

"Of course you didn't," June responded. "I had hoped that she would have gotten over you. Her friends kept her away from you and for that, I was grateful. Even James tried." 

He said nothing more and his face was unreadable. She shook her head once more, "What happened to you, Severus? I hardly recognize you anymore."

With that, she was gone, leaving him frozen, watching as her car lights eventually faded from view. June drove home, more frustrated now than she was prior to even speaking with him. It was not possible for him to believe that telling Lily to stay away would work. She had better luck playing the quiet game with the marauders than she did with keeping Lily away from Severus. She doubted that her daughter truly knew the answer to the question she posited to Severus about what she saw in the man. But June knew that her highest priority was Lily, her pretty little girl, sleeping on her sofa. When she got home, Lily had woken up and was sitting on the sofa, staring blankly at the tv screen in front of her, drinking tea. Although she smiled at her mother, there was no hiding the pain in her beautiful eyes. June went straight to her daughter, sat down, and wrapped her in the biggest hug that she could, holding her tight, afraid that she would leave and return to Spinner's End. Lily asked, "Where were you?"

June saw no point in lying, "I went to see him, Lily."

"Why?" Lily asked, somewhat annoyed, "I can take care of myself."

"You can, but not when it comes to him," June responded. "Lily, you have to stay away from him."

"I know, but...."

"No. There is no 'but.' You can't do this to yourself, to James. Let him go. Please."

"I don't know if I can or even want to," Lily said, hugging her mother even tighter. "I love James, I do--"

"Severus said he doesn't want to see you again," June said, when she trailed off. "And for once, I agree with him. If Severus can see how bad an idea it is, why can't you?"

"I can't give up on him, mum," Lily exclaimed.

"I never said to give up, sweetheart," June responded in a soothing voice, stroking her daughter's hair. "Love him from a distance, if you must. But, please, don't go to him....not again. It hurts too much to see either of my girls crying."

"Mum," Lily smiled. "I love you."

Lily did eventually go home to James, but not before making sure that it no longer looked like she had been crying. June could tell that her daughter was still unhappy, but she could give a small lie, saying that Petunia was being hurtful. There would be no mention of Severus and if, on the off chance there was, June would say that the former friends acted as if the other no longer existed. Of course, James knew that his wife still had some feeling, a small kinship with her childhood best friend, but he believed it to be linked to regrets on how things had ended between the pair. He could not know, not if Lily could help it, how deep those feelings actually were. June had to believe that the love that Severus bore her daughter would be enough to keep her away. She knew that he would never, at least on purpose, hurt her, and trusted to that unwillingness. But she couldn't help but feel anxious about her daughter, who enveloped her in a hug and kissed her cheek, before vanishing back to her husband's side. These moments with her children seemed far too short and she hoped that the next time she saw Lily, she would be happier. June felt a nagging doubt, that something was about to happen and that somehow, Severus was going to be involved in it.


	5. Chiaroscuro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something dark, something light. Getting the band back together.

_“My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake.” **– Aristotle**_

Severus felt certain that if he asked Lily to stay, she would. But he couldn't bear the thought of having her so close, without losing himself in the sublimity of her being. While not a religious man, unless one counts cynicism, he had always felt a kinship, an almost religious fervor when it came to her. And she was strong and patient, a veritable saint when it came to his moods, at least until he destroyed their friendship. In truth, he knew they were drifting apart, but had no idea how to prevent it or if there was ever a way of even stopping it. His 'associates' were not the sort that she liked and he felt similarly when it came to her friends. Severus remembered when she became angry after the tree incident with Petunia, leaving him confused and scared. She was his only friend and those words of her sister's had infuriated him. At the time, Severus wanted to believe that she would chose he side because he had been provoked. It was a grim thought that made him realize that it was his anger, the one bit of his father that remained with him, that turned everything to ashes. He thought that he'd never see her again after that, yet several days later, he saw her laying on the grass, looking through the trees, the very picture of innocence. Her hair was arrayed in such a way that it looked almost like a crown. The sun had wound its way through the leaves and branches, as if it were seeking her out. The rays would play upon her skin and hair, making her seem even more angelic. It was both ephemeral and beautiful; he could only watch the 'summer dance' as he would later call it, never telling her that seeing her like that had affected him. He had wondered then if that was what true love felt like. It took several moments for him to collect himself and announce his arrival, never admitting to her what he felt as he gazed at her. When he learned the Patronus charm, it was that moment that brought him the most happiness, because he realized then how much she would always mean to him: a dream of sunlight dazzling through the trees.

Now that she was gone, he felt the true weight of his loneliness, but nothing could bring back the sweetness of lazy summer days and the warmth during the frozen ones. It was too late for so many things and memories of what could've been. Severus couldn't determine if having her heart was a blessing or a curse; either way, it made him uneasy. Now, he felt powerless and cornered by some invisible force which was driving him towards a question that he truly didn't want to face, let alone answer, at least not yet. Lily would always be the answer, but it did not mean that it was an easy one to give, mostly because Severus wanted to prove how powerful he really was to everyone. After losing her, he had decided to channel his angst into constructing an unassailable fortress around himself so that no one would be able to hurt him like that ever again. But now that she had been to see him and and he had allowed her entry, there was only confusion. Severus knew only that he would do anything to keep her safe and promised himself that he would never hurt her again. But however much he justified what he needed to do to protect her, his heart was a different matter entirely, for it whispered to him words of hope that he believed were confined to the oubliette of his mind. It didn't matter that she was married, so long as he could have her again, no matter the cost, at least according to his heart. The dark lord may spare her, if he requested, but for how long? Powerful men always seemed so fickle and Severus understood enough history, both magical and otherwise, to understand that a promise was conditional, regardless of the moment in which it was made. But if he garnered the promise, it would buy him time to look for other means of protecting her.

He was so immersed in his thoughts that he had almost missed the knocking on the door. It was June, with enough anger in her eyes to set his house on fire. He knew that she misinterpreted his shock as rudeness, but this visit was not desirable or expected. Lily had gone to her mother's, instead of home. It was a wise decision, knowing her as he did, since Potter would know something had happened to his wife with just a glance. Severus had loved how expressive she was, but wondered why she never said anything about how she felt instead of remaining silent on the matter. Not that he was any better; his own fears kept him from saying a word to her. Were it not for the situation with Lily, he would've been happy to see June, who had been a foster mother when his own seemed to abdicate the role. No, Severus didn't doubt his own mother loved him, but Eileen had hardly the fight that June had and whatever will was left was sapped out of her. It made him sad to think that not only had he lost Lily, but the family that had welcomed him into their lives with seemingly open arms. Severus even found himself missing Petunia, if that were possible, and that in and of itself amused him even more. But he knew as he spoke with June, that even though he wanted to see Lily again, the only thing that could come of it were chaos and despair. He had promised June that, with one exception, he would never reach out to Lily again, and if that's what it took to keep her safe, then he would do it.

After June left, the tomb-like melancholy of the house assaulted him once again. So he contacted Lucius and arranged to meet with him. Of course, there were matters that needed to be discussed, but in order to escape both physically and emotionally the events that had transpired, what better to go to than someone that was a friend in most matters? He was not blind to the fact that part of why Lucius had treated him so kindly and was protective, during and after Hogwarts, had to do with the fact that Severus was incredibly talented and would serve an asset to the dark lord, if nurtured. And after his final blowout with Lily, Severus had convinced Lucius that he would do whatever it took to please the dark lord. He was certain that the wealthy man didn't quite believe him, but like many Slytherins, trusted the worst, rather than the best attributes of everyone they met. After finalizing his plans with Lucius and sending off a final letter to Lily, he left the sad little house for what he hoped would turn into an extended visit.

* * *

Lily rushed into James arms and kissed him. Even though she owled that she had stayed at her mother's for the night, she had missed her husband. Sirius couldn't help by laugh, clearly amused by how overdramatic it seemed. Remus, though he smiled, gave her a curious look, which troubled Lily greatly, though she tried to hide it. She could tell that he sensed something, but wasn't going to mention it in front of James, and she very much appreciated his discretion in that moment more than anything. Lily laughed, "I'm surprised that the house is still standing with you lot."

"That hurts, Lils," he smiled. "I did my best to make sure that Pads behaved."

"What? I was on my best behavior," Sirius flashed his most charming smile. "Sort of."

"What do you mean 'sort of'?" Remus rolled his eyes. 

"You booby-trapped something. Why?" James said, very much annoyed. "You do realize that I want to survive my marriage, right?"

"Oh, you'll be fine," Sirius laughed. "Just be careful."

"Oh, well, thanks for that," James answered. "Not like I live with a fire-breathing redhead or anything."

"Hey, now," Lily playfully punched him. "I'm not that bad. Just make sure you bring me food."

James kissed the top of her head, "I missed you, too."

She smiled devilishly at Sirius, "I will get you back if whatever it is happens to me."

"See what you did, Pads?" James exclaimed, "To keep you alive, I have to check everything in the house to make sure nothing happens. I hope you're happy."

Lily walked to the kitchen and James followed to make sure that nothing happened to her. As he left, he gave Sirius a death glare. The only thing worse than a dragon was a fiery redhead on a tirade. When both were out of distance, Remus looked at Sirius and shook his head, "Pads, what did you booby trap?"

"Nothing," Sirius chuckled. "I have to keep Prongs on his toes."

"Really? How old are you?"

"I can't have him getting too comfortable," Sirius smiled. "It ruins the fun."

Remus rolled his eyes, "I marvel that you haven't been killed yet."

Sirius laughed at that, "I'm too charming for all that."

James came back into the living room after a moment of being with Lily in the kitchen, "Alright, lads, what's the plan tonight. If Lily's going to kill me, I want to have as much fun as possible before then."

"At least you're optimistic!" Sirius couldn't help but laugh. 

"Moony, you're slacking on Padfoot duties," James responded. "You owe me a drink for pain and suffering."

"You'll be fine, Prongs."

"Says you. I'd much rather deal with a dragon than an angry Lily."

"And why do I have to buy you a drink?...it's his fault," Remus pouted, pointing at Sirius. 

"Don't be mad at me," Sirius exclaimed. "You know the rule. A bored Padfoot is a dangerous Padfoot."

"Merlin help me," James laughed. "Between my wife and my friends, I'm going to have grey hair before I'm thirty."

"I could always make it sooner," Sirius clapped James on the shoulder.

"Pads, quit talking," Remus laughed. "You're not helping."

"Who said anything about helping?"

"Some things never change. I'm getting some water," Remus stated, making his way to the kitchen. "Want anything?"

"Yes," James answered. "A shock collar. I don't trust you, Pads."

"Now, you're just being mean," Sirius pouted.

Remus went to the kitchen, while his two best friends bickered back and forth. The camaraderie he had treasured since school was still there, though they had grown up to pursue different things. Of course, all of them were involved in the Order, but it wasn't the same, and the ever-increasing darkness only added more stress and worry. It was nice to have these pockets of frivolity to escape from it on occasion. Remus always felt at ease with his friends and how they welcomed him despite him being a werewolf, which made him love them all the more for that. He could've lived without them trying to set him up with various witches, though, but he knew why they were doing it. Sirius, by virtue of his looks and charm had little trouble in ensnaring anyone, really. James got the girl, married her, and simply wanted his other friends to be happy. The truth was, Remus was drawn to someone he knew that he shouldn't be attracted to and it was better to keep that secret to himself. 

When he got to the kitchen, Lily was sipping a cup of tea. She smiled softly at him, but he couldn't help but notice that something seemed different with her somehow. He had always liked Lily in school and could see why James become smitten with her. She always made Remus nervous and somewhat uncomfortable, for a reason that he could not quite fathom. The redhead was pretty enough, but he always felt that there was something that she was holding back. Seeing her now though after the overnight stay and how she gazed for a moment out the window, heightened that feeling. For some reason, it reminded him of Snape, who had been friends with her before their very public falling out. Everyone thought the friendship strange, but he couldn't help but feel that there was something else that was there. Without looking at him, Lily spoke, "Something on your mind, Rem? You keep staring at me."

"You seem different," he answered. That was when she turned her emerald eyes to him, with a fearful curiosity. There was a hint of sadness in them, that she quickly hid. "The wolf is seldom wrong, you know. DId something happen at your mother's?"

Lily wanted to lie to him, but didn't want him to know the whole truth, either. She sighed, "We saw him.....an old friend."

Remus raised an eyebrow, wondering who she could mean, then it occurred to him, "Snape."

She nodded, "So strange seeing him. He's no longer the boy I met all those years ago. It makes me a bit sad."

"Why sad?"

She just smiled wanly, "Memories, Remus. Memories."

Before he could say anything in response, James and Sirius, with all the subtlety of young marauders, stormed into the kitchen, brimming with excitement. Peter, who had some errands (so he said) that he needed to attend to, was waiting for them at a nearby pub, holding a table. Knowing Sirius and James as well as he did, Remus knew that those two were up to something; they always were. The serious mood in the kitchen gave way to the lightheartedness that the pair of them brought with them. Remus chuckled and rolled his eyes, seeming to forget what had been briefly talked about with Lily. She knew, though, that he wouldn't forget and secretly hoped that he would say nothing to James or Sirius. Everyone that knew the pair, was well aware of how sensitive a subject Snape was to them and deemed best to not bring it up unless there was a good reason for it. Remus caught Lily's eye and held it, silently promising to say not a word. She smiled softly at him, before turning to James, "What exactly has you boys so excited?"

"Boys? I'm offended," Sirius responded dramatically.

"Uh, Pads, I don't think you're the best rep for our cause," Remus shook his head. "Come on. James, we'll wait by the front door for you."

"So bossy, Moony," Sirius said, sticking his tongue out petulantly at his wolfish friend. 

James and Lily couldn't help but laugh at the pair as they exited the kitchen. Remus, the calm one and Sirius, well the one that did and didn't measure up to his name. James loved them both and couldn't imagine life without them, much like his treasured wife. He had been charmed with her the minute he laid eyes on her on their way to school. James, being the little terror that he was then, did whatever it took to garner her attention. As long as she was looking at him, it meant her attention was fixed on him at the expense of everyone else. Most of the girls he met and dated were flattered by his attentions, but Lily was not most girls and she had gone out of her way to ignore him. After nearly losing her, he wanted to show her that he could be better and in marrying her, that his heart would only ever be hers. 

"I'll be back around 11, Lils. Are you sure that's ok?" James asked. 

She laughed, "Go for it. Think of it as an apology from me for staying away last night."

"You're sure?"

"James. Go and have a good time. I know it's been a few weeks since you and the gang have been together. I'll be here when you get back."

He pulled her in and kissed her. Jovial James gave a florid bow and departed saying, "I have the best wife in all the world."


	6. Aeolian Dreamers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An angry Lily, a somewhat more sensitive Severus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some implications to child abuse/neglect. It is not overly dominant, but felt the need to forewarn.

** _ And the waves crashing around me _ **   
** _ The sand slips out to sea _ **   
** _ And the winds that blow remind me _ **   
** _ Of what has been and what can never be _ **

** Lyrics from: The Lighthouse's Tale by Nickel Creek **

Unfortunately for Severus, the trip to Malfoy Manor was far too short and lasted three days. The couple had decided, at Narcissa's insistence, a trip abroad and would return once the dark lord summoned them. Even though both Malfoys were loyal to Voldemort, she was incredibly nervous around the man, which Severus couldn't blame her for. After all, Bellatrix, had practically thrown herself at the man, becoming proselytized before she had completed her education at Hogwarts. Narcissa, while blonde and seemingly cold, had a sweetness to her, a gentleness that she rarely displayed to outsiders. For a reason Severus thought strange, she had taken a liking to him and they would spend time together discussing magic and other topics. While not as engaging as Lily was, she displayed an interest in him and not just how his talents could be used to further the dark lord's agenda as her husband had. Severus had appreciated it so very much, though he didn't want to really admit it to himself. No one could ever truly be a replacement for Lily and even if it were possible, he knew that he would shun that path.

For a time, he could forget Lily and what had occurred between them. But as soon as he returned home, it was as if the dam had finally broken. Her coming to him now when he was immersed as he was in death eater activity had troubled him. A short time before her visit, Voldemort had begun to display an interest in him, which, like Lily's affection, he couldn't determine if it was a good or bad thing. Yes, it afforded him some protection, but he was certainly not immune from punishment if he had displeased him. It was strange that his father's treatment had indeed served a purpose and that he could take some of the more painful curses and not break as early as his compatriots. In spite of that, he couldn't stop the feeling of doubt that had been planted at some point in his formative years. Severus was an imperfect servant, but his faith was always in Lily. She was able to see the light and beauty when things seemed to be at their most hopeless. The beautiful witch had an enormous bounty of love and optimism for what could be and for a reason he never quite understood had an almost unshakeable belief in him. The fact that he had her love had pained him and he knew that she would act on it, though he had hoped that his letter would quell her desire to see him.

As he recalled the letter, it had pained him that he had to be so callous with his words, but he was going to fulfill his promise to June, it was absolutely necessary. He had already broken his heart when he had lost her, but if shattering it even more ensured that she would be beyond harm, then he would endure it. Lily would soon see that she had chosen rightly, as much as he hated her husband, and her heart would mend. He would be nothing more than a sad footnote in the long tale of her life, of that he had to be certain. His beautiful Lily was in the garden full of friends and family that loved her. As much as he wanted to visit her there, Severus was certain that it would never come to be. She would get of it and the instance of love betwixt them would become nothing more than an idyll. As for him, he knew well enough that he would cling to it for the rest of his life, like a man clinging to a life raft. 

It was then that he decided to begin drinking the remains of the whisky, which fortunately for him, had about half of it remaining. He watched the warm amber liquid looked and it seemed to his tired mind that it was absorbing all the light in depressing room. If only, it could absorb all his pain and lock it away, he thought. Drinking it was a far better thought than weeping over what his life could've been if he had been far less cruel to the woman that loved him so dearly. And while his mind was following its labyrinthine course through how his life had come this point, his heart, which he had tried in an almost mad effort to suppress, had decided to try and light a fire on it instead. He counseled himself that he needed to stop thinking about it all together or he would go mad. But the pull away from such thoughts were no match for the sheer force of the dream, a long lost dream that he lost all rights to.

It was the sharp rappings on the door that shook him out of his reverie, or funeral service, he thought. Severus had hoped that maybe the nuisance would take a hint and just go away, but he had never been that lucky. The knocking continued until he became furious. If there was one thing he hated, it was to be interrupted in.....well, anything really. So, he stormed to the door and threw it up, wanting to show the potential visitor how truly annoyed he was at the intrusion. There, standing in the fading light was the cause of his current state: the friend, the woman he loved beyond price, the woman he was trying to save from himself. Her face was suffused with rage and hurt, which she seemed to barely have under control. Without even waiting for a response, she pushed her very annoyed and surprised best friend out of the way. He thought for a moment that she was going to send a stinging hex his way as a result. As soon as he shut the door behind, she erupted, at some point throwing his carefully worded letter back at him. 

"What the hell is this? A letter? Is that all I deserve for parting words? You couldn't say anything in person? You're not a coward, but this makes believe that you are. We've known each other far too long to part ways like this. You could've told me this to my face, instead of a letter. Don't I deserve more than that? How can you be so cruel, Sev? And right now, I can't determine if I love you or hate you."

"Considering the circumstances," he answered, finally finding his voice. "It would be best if you hated me. You know what I am now and that is all I will ever be."

"Severus Tobias Snape, you are the most infuriating man I've ever met. I don't understand this push-pull you're doing. If you didn't want to see me, you should've just left well enough alone. Instead, you send me your Patronus and are surprised when I respond in person, with you acting as if it's completely unreasonable. How could I not? You're not just some acquaintance, you bastard. I love you."

It was then that she saw the whisky and made a beeline for it. He just stood there, wondering if the storm had finally passed. Lily sat cross-legged on the sofa and drank the remnants from the glass, while he slowly collected himself. When he finally looked over at her, there were tears in those emerald pools. That stung more than the angry words that she had hurled at him. She was still a woman trying to recapture a closeness that she used to have with someone that she loved. Severus, still unmoving, his troubled eyes upon finally spoke, "The one thing I didn't want to do is what I did. Lily, I wasn't trying to hurt you, but this....this is. I promised your mother, that aside from the letter, I wouldn't reach out to you again. You have to leave."

She refused to move and he didn't want to force her, either. It became a sort of standoff and while her eyes showed that she was still hurt, there was stubbornness in them as well. Then she just smiled at him, which confused him and for some strange reason, eased him somewhat. Severus gave in to the beautiful woman sitting on the sofa, sipping whisky straight from the bottle than the glass. The sight amused him and he chuckled in spite of himself, moving to sit beside her, "Woman, you'll be the death of me."

"Not yet, I hope," she smiled brightly at him and shifted so he could sit comfortably next to her. "I still want to be able to drive you crazy."

"You are well on your way then," he took the bottle and took a drink straight from it.

"And you do make it so very easy," she answered, taking the proffered bottle. "Always have."

"I hope to not be your death," he said, all good humor leaving his face.

"No, none of that. Now now," Lily answered, wanting to ignore that for as long as possible.

"I'm serious, Lily. I've done things....."

"I assumed as much, Sev," she said, squeezing his hand. "But you can stop anytime you want. You know that, don't you? There is always hope and you can still be happy."

"I'm not like you, Lily. How am I supposed to be happy when I have no idea how? My happiest memories are all tied up with you, which also makes them the saddest."

Every single word that had fallen from those lips was meant. It grieved her to hear those words and for a moment, could say nothing. At last, Lily whispered, "Sev, you deserve to be happy, but you can't do this anymore. You know where this path will lead. I can help you, but you have to let me. We're not children anymore."

He did not know what to say, but the look on his face was one that she remembered from childhood. Severus, at the time, had made his way unexpectedly to her house in the pouring rain and was standing on the front porch. Her dad had opened the door and there the boy was, eyes unseeing, more pallid than he normally was. He dragged him into the house, calling out for June to help, both trying in vain to get an answer out of him. She and Petunia were upstairs getting ready for bed, when they heard the commotion going on downstairs. They both made their way downstairs, but when her older sister saw who it was, disappeared into her bedroom. Lily stood a the base of the stairs, confused and scared, wondering why he looked like that. Lily, unsure of what to do, called out his name in a tremulous voice. At that, he looked at her, suddenly coming back to himself, and she ran to him, crying, giving him the biggest hug that she could. However much she and her parents asked, Severus had remained silent on it, though Lily was certain that her parents had tried to do what they could for the troubled child. Being a child herself, she had no idea how to handle what her best friend kept bottled up inside himself. All she could think to do was to be there for him when the nightmare that his homelife had been brought him to her. Seeing him with that same look now, troubled her more than all the cruel and harsh things he ever said. His guard was down for a moment, in a way that it had not been before, and she was not going to let it go like she had before. This was new ground for both of them, though the silence was quickly becoming oppressive.

"Don't you know, Lily, that being with you were the happiest moments in my life?"

"Sev--"

"I wanted to absorb that happiness and carry it with me. When I finally figured it out, I lost you."

"But I'm here now, "You know why I left then," she responded and upon seeing the anguish in those midnight eyes, wanted to weep. "Don't look at me like that. I want you in my life."

"You're here now and I'm still not sure that this is real or not. I don't thi--"

She kissed him before he could finish, knowing full well what was going to be said. With that, the melancholy discussion had been dropped for an activity far more pleasant. Feeling his lips felt even better than before and he quickly took control of the situation. Between the silken voice and sensuality of his lips, she felt herself succumb to the spell. Lily wondered if he knew how seductive he actually was when he chose to apply it. His hands, feather light brushed over her skin, sent her straight to the moon. Then suddenly he stopped and pulled away, noting the look of disappointment on her face. Severus, to her, had clearly not expected this, to have her here like this, wanting so much more than what had been there before. He wasn't even sure if he could live up to what she would want him to be. So, both dissatisfied, they sat back on the couch, saying nothing. She took a drink from the bottle, wanting to cry out of frustration. The hesitation and insecurity was driving her mad. Severus arose, took the bottle, and paced in front of her, barely able to come to terms with the fact that just about everything he desired was sitting on the couch, desirous of him. The words spoken in the dream of this moment, the ones that he uttered so eloquently had escaped him now.

"Sev, talk to me. Please."

"Lily, you don't understand."

"Then by all means, enlighten me."

"If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't feel so much...."

"So much what?" She asked, clearly frustrated with him and his lack of communication, "You may want to treat me like the muggleborn which that I am."

"Don't say that!" He said, almost dangerously, turning away from her. "You have no idea what you do to me. I have so much doubt--about everything."

Lily said nothing, but arising, went to him and wrapped him in he arms. She felt him flinch at her touch, but only wrapped even more tightly. "I'm sorry, Sev. I can't stop thinking about you and when I got that letter....it hurt so much. Please talk to me like you used to."

"You know well enough that we can't. As much as I hate the thought, you have a husband. I don't care about him, but I will destroy your joy."

"You're right," she said, resting her head against his chest, his beating heart. "Then let's have a new beginning. It will be ours and no one will be able to take that away from us."

"It's a sweet dream, Lily," he answered softly, resting his chin on her head. "I stopped believing in them a long time ago. However sweet and beautiful it is, I just can't. Please understand that. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve you."

They stood in that pose, just holding onto one another, wanting so much more from the moment than the tension and pain. Lily started to weep and did not want to see how deeply those words, however true they were, had hurt. The words spoken when he had been humiliated were nothing compared to that spoken in despair. Severus must have heard the muted voice of grief and he extricated himself from her arms. His eyes were soft and sorrowful, silently berating himself for hurting the only woman he ever loved. The darkling man felt more like a monster then, drowning in her tears. Then he did something which surprised her more than anything. Severus smiled softly at her and though it didn't fully reach his eyes, the tears had stopped and she smiled up at him, "I love it when you smile. I just wish it would reach your eyes."

"One day, I hope to be worthy of your love."

"You've always been worthy, but refuse to see it," Lily answered. I've always loved you. I used to..."

She trailed off and looked away, suddenly fearful, not of him, but of herself for putting that part of herself out there for him to see. Severus frowned, wondering what on earth she was trying to stop herself from saying, especially since she had no issues telling anyone what she thought or felt. Too curious to let the subject drop, he asked her as gently as he could, "What did you used to do?"

To her, his voice sounded like a breath of wind, sighing along the stream they used to play besides as children. Lily smiled, remembering all her foolish dreams dancing alongside it. In her voice was the longing to have it fulfilled in some way and the music that sprang forth was both wistful and melancholic, "I used to dream about marrying you."

"Lily," he said, after getting over the shock. "You can't be serious."

"Why not? You were the first to accept me for what I was; the first to introduce me to magic. How could I help falling in love with you? Sometimes it feels like I never stopped."

"But you married him, Potter," he seemed to spit the name out.

"I did, but do you honestly believe that I ever stopped loving you?"

"Yes," his voice was soft, barely above a whisper. "And I hate him for having won you. And I am angry for being so stupid."

"Well, I do agree about you being stupid. Sev, I was right there, wanting you to love me."

"And I did. I do. Now look where we are. There is no going back."

Lily sighed, "I know that. If anything else, let us be friends."

"After our respective confessions, is that really wise?"

"Not wise at all," Lily retreated back to the sofa, her watchful eyes upon her friend, lover, whatever he was in that moment. Severus couldn't bring himself to look at her, feeling even more wretched than he did before. Wanting her had never been the issue, yet he hesitated, fearing what would happen after the fulfilment of that desire. Severus had believe that joy was never his, not truly, and that he was doomed from the start to lose everything he loved in the end. Lily restored his faith in the goodness of the world, of possibility, of hope. In his more introspective moments, he had wondered why she cared a whit for him in the first place. Yet, this beautiful creature did and the thought warmed his heart; the world became a little less bleak. Her voice, again, broke through his thoughts, "Sev, look at me. Please."


	7. Chained and Embowered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of a dream. A promise made.

He shook his head, unable to look at her, "It would have been far easier to have your hate. I can't afford to have anyone know. You know that, don't you?"

"And do you think this is any easier for me?" Lily sighed, knowing that despite his rather pessimistic view on things, that he was right. She could not afford to have anyone know of her dalliance with him either and it was a situation that she deeply resented. But there were obvious complications that, for a time could be ignored, but not cast aside, "I wanted to believe that we could be friends like we used to be. We can't, can we?"

"Do you honestly believe it's even possible?" Severus finally turned his dark eyes to her, holding them, holding her within his own. "Lily, we made our choices, but after everything.....Now I know I can't."

"Sev--."

"I feel far too much to just be friends. I always have. It was just easier to hide it from you."

She then realized that even asking for friendship was an incredibly foolish thing to ask. How on earth could she even do it when she was in love with him? Lily said nothing, because no words would truly be enough. Her feelings had been an almost perfect reflection of his own, so she went to him and took his face between her own small hands, wanting to get lost in those beautiful darkness of his eyes, searching for an answer to a question only he could give her. In them, she saw the melancholic confusion mingled with passion and pain. It was as if he expected her to abandon him, like she had before, when the belief that his answer was "no." But now, as she was, without the chaos of school, she saw that his answer had always been in the affirmative. Lily had believed that the façade he wore was who he really was, in part believing what everyone had told her about him. It was in this moment that she knew she would love no other as deeply as she loved him and it broke her heart, knowing that had they been less afraid of rejection, they could've been together. 

They had been friends, but now it had bloomed into something more and what she felt was frustration and grief. She felt terrible, especially when she recalled how perfect she was as he left to spend time with his best friends. Faithless. That was what she was; unable to be faithful to the husband she had wed and the bewitching man that was before her now. Lily had betrayed them both and felt lost as to what steps she should take. Her unpleasant reverie was broken when she felt Severus's insistent lips upon hers, quickly losing herself in the passion. The only difference was that instead of stopping, he was encouraged by her to keep going. Suddenly, and without stopping the kiss, he picked her up and carried her upstairs to his room. Lily wrapped herself around him, not wanting to let go of him or the moment. Her heart was erratic and she felt that his was as well, but unable to stop, not wanting to stop.

There was an almost innocence and gentleness as they explored the now discovered country of each other's bodies. It had felt like something out of a dream, a fleeting moment in time, when their souls could breathe together without the obtrusiveness of the outside world. They both fell asleep in each other's arms and awoke in them hours later, unsure as to how much time had passed. Lily had awoken first and her eyes traced the now softened lines of his face. There was a soft, contented smile on his lips, one that she rarely ever saw. In that moment, he looked beautiful, one she would remember for the rest of her life. As if sensing her eyes upon him, he awoke, and the vision, much like everything else between them, faded, leaving only the shadow of a smile. In those eyes was the knowledge that some invisible line had been well and truly crossed, not to be undone. Severus knew that she would have to leave, but he could not deny that he wanted her to stay, despite reason calmly stating that not only was it impossible, but dangerous. For a moment, though, he could treasure the warmth of her body, the soothing smell of her perfume, and the sounds of pleasure that he drew from her. With her departure, in whatever way she took, his heart would follow in great haste.

Yet, he almost missed the tears in her eyes as he looked upon her. Severus had always been selfish and he felt that now, in a way, he had possession of her, which had almost blinded him to those watery emeralds. She had loved him then, but he was certain that she would tire of him, of the secrecy should this ever happen again, and braced himself for that eventuality. Abandonment could always be counted on and often, he could sense it well before it eventually happened. Disappointment would soon follow; it always did. After all, how could it be otherwise? But to stay it's hand, he pulled her to himself, trying his utmost to soothe her in the way he used to when they were children. The dream was over far too soon and neither one wanted to open their eyes to face the grim reality. When he couldn't bear her sadness any longer, he spoke, "Lily, please....I can't bear your tears."

Lily pulled away from him suddenly, "What have I done? I have to go....now."

He said nothing, but watched as she dressed, memorizing every line and and curve of the woman he loved beyond price. The likelihood of her returning, considering her reaction now, were slim and he wanted nothing more than to remember what had happened between them. But it seemed to him that she wanted to forget and return home. Severus felt then the thrum of jealousy course through him. His precious Lily would return to the man he despised with all the vitriol he had within himself. After she left, the winter of his heart would begin again and the flowers of the hope she planted would die in their beds. He wanted to weep for the sudden loss he knew was coming, but didn't want her to see how painful it actually was to bear.

Suddenly, she stopped and turned to face him for a moment. His eyes caught hers and upon seeing the deep sorrow in them, she fled from the room, unable to bear it. When she reached and opened the front door, she closed it again, staring at it for a moment. Severus deserved more than her running away like a coward. It occurred to her then that he expected her to leave, which pained her deeply. Lily climbed the stairs slowly and as she reached the bedroom door, she saw his naked, moon-burned body sitting on the edge of the bed, weeping. Severus rarely wept and if he did, tried to keep as far away from her as possible. Given the posture he was in, he didn't see as she approached him and knelt before him. It wasn't until he felt her warm hand upon his naked thigh that made him recoil from the shock of it. She was supposed to be long gone, if not already home with her husband. Instead, she was giving him the look of utter pain, while his own had shown anger at having been disturbed from his dismal thoughts.

Seeing that expression was enough for her and she fled, making sure that she slammed the door behind her as hard as she could. He had flinched with the sound of it, but he was grateful that she was gone. Hurting her, albeit unintentionally, may have been reason enough to keep her away from him, thus fulfilling his promise to June. Of course the intimacy that they had shared was not something that he had expected; it was just an impulse to behave as he did as he had lain with her. It was not the guilt that ate at him, but wanting so much more, knowing that there was so much more underneath the surface. To keep himself from such thoughts, he dressed and went to the cold confines of the lab in the basement. Lucius had given him the task of researching and creating potions for the dark lord. And for that, the beautiful Lily had to be far, far away.

* * *

Lily had at last made it home, shocked and hurt that Severus had behaved in such a fashion with her. It hurt that someone that she knew as well as she did reacted like he did. Reminding herself that the man was no longer the child he had been and unlike her friends did little to make her feel better. With a grateful sigh, she was glad that James and his friends had not made it home. It would give her time to collect her thoughts and hide the evidence. Then she thought of Remus and she stilled at the realization that he would know that something happened. His werewolf abilities would pick up on something and he was, by far, the most observant of all her husband's friends and acquaintances. As she thought of Remus, she wanted to know what he truly felt about Severus. Lily was convinced that the werewolf was in love with her childhood best friend, so she resolved herself to ask as soon as she could. She didn't understand why she wanted to know, but that she had to. Lily was utterly convinced that Severus would tear sweet Remus to pieces, then felt upset at the thought of her dark wizard with anyone else but her. This was followed by guilt.

In the shower, the stains of her adultery was washed away but like Lady Macbeth, that prick of conscience would never truly be gone. Even as she felt the cleansing effect of soap and water, she still imagined his hands and his mouth claiming her. At the conclusion of her unusually long shower, Lily knew two things: that she would remain James's wife and she would see Severus again. It was clear to her that both men loved her and while she could not guarantee fidelity to either, she knew she loved them both. Part of her reasoning to see her friend again was to understand why he had reacted as he did when she touched him. If she were honest with herself, it had more to do with being in his arms again, of feeling the fiery passion of his possessive love.

When she was good and clean, Lily grabbed an advanced book on charms work, sat on the sofa, and began reading the rather engrossing text. At last, her husband and his gang of merry men followed behind him. James went and kissed her atop her head, before dropping unceremoniously by her side, causing her to playfully kick him. Sirius laughed and rolled his eyes at his best friend. Remus just gazed at her, clearly, as Lily predicted, sensing something, but he said nothing. He just looked at her and she knew that he wanted to speak to her without James or Sirius being nearby. She had asked where Peter was and Sirius mentioned that the rat had a late-night date with some girl named Valerie or Veronica. Sirius eventually announced that he had to go; something about meeting up with his latest conquest, giving a not so subtle wink to James, before vanishing. James decided that he needed a shower and trudged upstairs. Thus, leaving Remus and Lily in the living room, bathed in an uncomfortable silence.

"Rem, would you like some water?" Lily asked, breaking the discomfort.

"I would, thank you," she returned with water and both heard the shower come on and James's tuneless singing. Lily smiled softly, shaking her heard. Remus had only frowned at her. "You smell different."

"What a strange thing to say!" Lily laughed, wanting it to be a jest.

"Lily, I'm serious," Remus said, unamused. "You're hiding something and don't want James to know."

"Remus, please."

"Tell me the truth," Remus pleaded. "Why don't you want James to know?"

"Severus," she answered simply. "I went to visit him for a moment. You know how much James hates him. It's better that he doesn't know."

"I thought you weren't friends with him anymore."

"I'm not, but I still care about him," Lily said softly.

"You shouldn't, though, Lily. He made his choices."

"I know," Lily answered, voice sad. She looked at him suddenly. "Tell me, Remus, are you in love with him?"

Remus was absolutely taken aback with the question. It was the last thing that he had expected and Lily was looking at him curiously, studying him. At last, her eyes widened, "You are, aren't you? I had my suspicions back in school, when I'd catch you staring at him."

"Sirius and James did too, you know," Remus tried to shrug it off.

"Yes, but they did so openly and made it perfectly clear what their intentions were," Lily responded. "You were...."

"Yes, I was in love with him," Remus responded before Lily could say anymore. "No, I didn't know why."

"Past tense," Lily pondered aloud. "I don't believe that you've given up on him."

"Maybe not," Remus answered. "I won't tell James if you keep my own secret."

Lily agreed, grateful that they would be each other's secret keeper. As Remus made his way to the door, he gave Lily another look. "If you see Severus again, please don't tell him....about me. Please."

"I promise," Lily said, kissing Remus's cheek.

"One more thing, Lily," the werewolf said, before disappearing into the night. "If you hurt James, I will make sure that you regret it."

"Understood," Lily said, "Goodbye, Remus. Safe travels."

As she shut the door, Lily wondered if he had suspected that she had already broke her promise to James. Judging by Remus's reaction, it was clear that he harbored some feeling for Severus, even though he had implied that it was in the past. All the same, she was grateful she brought it up. It was the right distraction so that the man couldn't delve anymore deeply into the truth of the new terrain that she and Severus were on. But the weight of guilt was enormous, more than what she expected it would be, so Lily did everything she could to not think about it anymore. She threw herself into all the activities she could for as long as she could, for as long she could resist seeing her dark wizard again.


	8. Wolf Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After leaving James and Lily's home, Remus chances upon an inebriated Severus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience. Another installment. Thank you, as ever, for reading and your thoughts. The poem at the start is one I wrote last year.

_ **Sentenced** _

In a sorrowful glance,

the world from me fled

and my heart was aggrieved.

Your eyes would tear

my reckless soul apart,

yet me steps bid me back.

The thought before me

as I hang upon that 

dreamless star slips away.

Desire beckons to me

as the merciless visions

condemn me to a dreary prison.

Dreams and desires were so much easier to be honest about when time was obscured by the fog of fresher memories. Remus thought of Severus as he had known him when they both were in school, when it was nothing more than a schoolboy crush. Now, it was something of a ghost haunting the very palace of his mind, so he tried desperately to ignore it altogether. It was only when he was home, alone with his imagination that he let himself dream of what it would like to be with the man, to feel those moonlit fingers caressing him and being consumed by the very fire of his being. Then, he would feel guilty about keeping it from his friends, but the complete and utter hatred that James and Sirius had felt for the dark wizard had prevented him from breathing a word to either. Peter would say something to them, so the werewolf opted to just keep it to himself in the hope that the feelings would evaporate, but clearly that didn't happen.

Lily had brought that to the fore when she had asked about what he had felt. Of course, he was only going to admit what he had while in school, since it was far safer than admitting how those emotions had changed from that time. In all honesty, Remus expected Lily to speak to him about it when she first noticed him gazing at her best friend. She was right in saying that the way his eyes followed Severus were different than the hatred laden in the eyes of both Severus and Sirius. Severus, too, was just as vitriolic in his hatred, especially towards Sirius, who had convinced him to venture to the shrieking shack in the first place. Remus had already known that what he wished for would never come true, but it didn't stop him from imagining the dark wizard in his bed. He just learned to not think about it if it could be helped. The fact that the man was hardly mentioned helped immensely, except when he was plagued with loneliness.

Knowing that he couldn't go home, because her words had twisted the knife in his heart, he thoughtlessly apparated to Cokeworth. Remus was keenly aware of the fact that both Severus and Lily had grown up there, but he didn't have much of a plan once there, other than find a pub. Yes, it was a long way to go for a pint, but the werewolf wanted to be close to the object of his desire, but was terrified of the actual interaction. Part of him, with the help of his enhanced abilities, wanted to track down Severus and confess what he had felt, then and now. Yet, the largest portion of himself resisted, insisting that man would not take his interest seriously and would anticipate some mischief be done against him. The pub he found was something that looked like it would collapse any moment, but Remus didn't care; he just wanted to drown his thoughts in alcohol in the hopes of killing Severus there. Fortunately, it was fairly empty and not only was he able to grab a drink, but was also able to find a dark, secluded corner to disappear into for the duration of his time there.

A few people had come in after Remus entered and he would look for a moment before returning to the pint before him. Then, as if some evil force had brought his thoughts to life, Severus Snape entered the pub and sat at the bar. He was a vision of ebony and emerald, moving with a practiced grace, speaking to the barkeep with that seductive voice of his. Remus was even more attracted to the man than when he was a schoolboy, which concerned him more than ever, since it had been years since he had been anywhere around him. In truth, Remus was terrified of what would happen should this secret be exposed, but seeing Severus now in fitted muggle clothes that accentuated that lithe form of his had done little to quell his own longing. He didn't care what anyone else thought for a moment, only that the wizard would be his and his alone, but he was not so drunk as to act upon it. If he didn't leave now, Severus was going to drive him mad, yet at the same time, his exit would not have been a subtle one. The dark wizard was suspicious and would surely notice his departure, especially if he tried to sneak out. So Remus sat there casting surreptitious glances at the man, hoping that the other would leave. Severus did leave after about an hour, though he seemed somewhat unsteady on his feet, while the werewolf waited about five minutes before making his own exit.

Instead of going home, Remus decided to follow Snape, as he was not that far outside the entrance. The man seemed completely oblivious of where he was, which Remus felt was strange and for a moment, he was guided by pity to help the man. Instead of approaching him, the somewhat less inebriated man decided to keep an eye on him until the other reached his destination. And so he kept watch, realizing after about fifteen minutes, that Severus was heading to the graveyard with a very determined step. The dark wizard stopped in front of one in particular and stared at it, almost like he was in communion with it. How much time had passed, Remus wasn't sure, but he saw Severus fall to the ground as he turned away. The werewolf ran to him and realized that the man, based upon the alcohol on his breath and the flask that he had fallen to the earth, was on the verge of alcohol poisoning, and had not had a chance to counter the effects with the potions that Remus noticed were in his breast pocket. When he knelt to assist the man, it was then that he saw the name inscribed on the gravestone: Eileen Snape.

Remus helped Severus to his feet, but made sure that the man was leaning against him as they walked from the graveyard. The werewolf had given the dark wizard some of the pepper-up potion, but it was not working as fast as he thought it should and Remus became concerned that Severus consumed more than he thought. He needed to get water and get the man home. At the same time, he relished having the body of the man so close to his own. When Remus at last spoke, he thought his voice sounded rough, "Severus, where is home? Severus, please?"

"Who are you? Leave me alone," Severus replied, trying to push Remus away.

"No," Remus responded. "I'm not leaving you in a graveyard. Tell me where you live, so I can get you home."

"Home? Fine," Severus gave an address, which Remus knew wasn't his. He vaguely remembered a Spinner's End and the address given was definitely not correct, but he could get nothing more out of the man. So he went to the proscribed address. It was then that he realized, it was the Evans' residence. The lights were still on when Remus knocked on the door for which he was grateful. Yet it was clear that June was displeased at having her evening interrupted, especially when she realized that Severus was the source of the disruption. But she recognized the young man, who was supporting the dark wizard, as Remus. Her eyes held a question and he waived it away, murmuring about how he had chanced to be walking by and saw him in the graveyard. June only believed a portion of the story, especially when she caught the look in his eyes as he held the man. She knew instinctually Lily would not like it. Remus said, "I was trying to take him home."

"And he gave you my address?" June sighed, eyes no longer hard as she looked at the dark-haired wizard, "Oh, Severus. Even now, you still hate going home."

Remus gave her a curious look, and so she shrugged. "He was friends with Lily at one time, Remus. I'll grab my keys and I can take him home."

"Allow me to at least help get him inside," he answered.

"Very well. We should at least give him water before we go. And Remus, are you sure you want to come? His home is not very welcoming," June responded, realizing in spite of herself that Severus at least deserved a little care before just rushing to Spinner's End.

"I did go to school with him. I'd expect nothing less," he said, trying to add some levity to the situation. Remus went to the sofa and placed Severus gently upon it. He couldn't help but stare at the man and his softened features. At the same time, he hated the loss of the man's warmth, but was at the same time, afraid of making his attraction for Severus anymore obvious than it already was.

June shook her head, "If only you and your friends knew. There is so much you don't understand."

She went to get water and when she returned, she saw Remus next to Severus, running a hand through the ebony hair, holding onto to the other man. She watched the pair, sadly, at least until Remus felt her eyes upon him. He straightened himself up and looked sheepishly at June, a soft blush flooding his cheeks. "Lily is right, isn't she?"

"About what?"

"You being in love with him," June answered, walking towards the pair.

"I'm not in love with him," Remus said, trying but failing to sound convincing.

June laughed, "You would not be holding him like that if you weren't."

"I'm not holding him," he pulled away from Severus, who moved ever-so-slightly, assuring both that he was not in danger of death. June said nothing, but shook her head, sadly. The young man would do well to abandon the mission of trying to obtain Severus's affections. It was doomed from the start and surely, Remus had to know that. June didn't miss how the werewolf was almost delicate in how he administered the various potions and how his hands would linger over the other man. Instead of saying anything about it, she only said that they should take the man home, to which Remus agreed. June wasn't going to deny that having Remus get Severus out of her house was a blessing.

The trip to the Snape home was uneventful, but she saw the nervous look on Remus's face when he saw it. Remus found the home as inviting as he found the unconscious man laying in the backseat to be. June and Remus found the keys to the house in Severus's pant's pocket, which allowed them entry. Severus was placed on the sofa and June grabbed a blanket to put over the sleeping man. She stood by the door, urging Remus to leave Severus alone. It was as if the man were suddenly glued to the floor in front of the sofa and she saw the hesitation, the desire to stay. At last, she walked to him, took his hand and guided him to the front door. Remus cast one more look of longing upon Severus Snape before the door closed. 

"I don't want to love him, June," Remus said at last as he settled in her car. He knew well enough that he could've gone home, but he knew that he needed to tell someone how he felt. "With school done, I thought, hoped that maybe it would go away. Seeing him again, though. Why, June? Why him? I don't understand."

"Remus--"

"I even feel jealous of Lily. How she can just be friends with him when I wanted him to look at me," Remus interrupted June, tears were standing in his eyes. "I remember in school when he smiled at her. He was always beautiful when he smiled....," he trailed off and a sad smile graced his lips.

"Remus," June wasn't quite sure what say as she said his name. "You're clinging to a dream. For your own sake, let him go. You are far too kind and generous for the likes of him. He will break your heart."

"What if I want my heart to be broken?"


	9. A Deep Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily has an idea. An all, too short idyll.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seeing as Christmas is next week and I probably won't have another chapter up by then, I wanted to make sure that this chapter was up before throwing myself into the festivities. I hope everyone is well and that they enjoy the chapter and leave me thoughts, if you feel so inclined.

_**Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving,** _

_ **Make everyday a holiday and celebrate just living!** _

Amanda Bradley

It had been a few weeks since her indiscretion. It was far better, far easier to view it as that, rather than delve into what it really was. The very word itself, as far as Lily was concerned, had something of a clinical quality to it. But however much she tried to hide the truth of it from herself, there was no denying how it felt to be in his arms, however short-lived it was. And knowing Severus as she did, Lily assumed that as the days stretched into weeks, that he would see all that had passed was just a one-off. It always bothered her that he was so pessimistic, so distrustful of everyone. Lily knew well enough that she was one of those exceptions, but that was not a guarantee that he would share how he truly felt, especially now with her marriage to someone he virulently despised. 

She felt grateful, though guilty, that there was an increase of Death Eater activity so that she could throw herself into it. And for a long while, she feared a confrontation, wondering if any of the death eaters that were maimed or killed were Severus, and feeling relief when they weren't. After a while, it occurred to her that Voldemort was not going to risk his more powerful witches and wizards unless it was absolutely necessary. Severus was one of those and from the aurors and others that were in the Order that had chanced to duel him, the wizard had become even more powerful than he had been at Hogwarts. The dark lord was many things, but a fool he was not and a powerful wizard like Severus was not to be expended needlessly. The meetings with Dumbledore were becoming even more tense and she, like everyone that attended the meetings, had hoped for something, anything to tip the scales in their favor.

It also seemed to her that Remus, since that time, had kept more of an eye upon her than she was comfortable with. At times, it seemed that he wanted to speak with her and it didn't take her long to discover what the subject was. Severus. It always came down to that particular Slytherin. With the possible exception of Lord Voldemort, no one person seemed to garner as much attention as her former best-friend when it came to the marauders. All four of the now grown men, had this strange, almost neurotic fixation with Severus. With James she had known that part of it was his familiarity with her and for Sirius, it was something that was a mix of his devotion to his best friend, coupled with the issues that plagued him at home. Remus had, at least so far, claimed that he only felt that while in school, despite it being clear that she had hit a nerve when the subject came up. 

Then inspiration, sudden and bright, leaving her to wonder why it had not occurred to her before. After one of the meetings, she asked to speak with the marauders sans Peter and Dumbledore privately. She was glad that that particular marauder was missing, since she did not really trust the man. Lily knew that Peter would eventually find out, but it didn't lessen her unease around him. As of late, it seemed that their side was waning in strength and influence. Lily could tell by the fearful glances that James would give when he thought that she hadn't noticed. Her husband never managed to learn the art of subtlety, but every time that he did it, it made her even more anxious. Dumbledore sensed her nervousness and smiled kindly at her.

"Mrs. Potter," Dumbledore spoke, his voice betraying how tired he was. "You requested to speak with me."

"Yes, sir, thank you," she replied. "I have an idea that might help us."

"What is this idea?" The elderly wizard smiled indulgently and she looked nervously at her husband.

"Se-Snape....he-," she had hardly begun when James interrupted her.

"No, Lily. I refuse-," he sputtered, before being interrupted by Dumbledore.

"Perhaps, we should listen to what her idea is, Mr. Potter."

"Thank you, headmaster," Lily said, though she felt James's anger. "Perhaps, I can reach out to him and rekindle an old friendship. It might help."

Dumbledore frowned, "Don't you think that he might find the timing a bit curious?"

"Of course he would," she replied. "It wouldn't be the Sev I knew if he wasn't. He might still have a soft spot for me, sir."

"He might. He might not. You are placing a lot of trust in what may no longer be."

"You're right, but it is worth a shot, isn't it?" Lily asked. "Severus is a lot of things, but in my heart, he would never purposely hurt me."

"Yet, he did," James responded, trying to reign in his anger. "Or did you conveniently forget? Lily, he's not going to be as you remember him."

"No, perhaps not," Lily responded. "He hurt my feelings, James. Never once did he ever physically harm me."

"I don't trust him," James responded. Sirius nodded and Remus shifted nervously, while Dumbledore looked thoughtfully at her.

"He has a point, Mrs. Potter," Dumbledore said after a moment of silence. "What assurance can you give that he won't harm you?"

"We're in the middle of a war," Lily answered, trying to keep her voice from shaking. "And our side is not doing well. It is at least worth trying."

"No," James practically screamed, grabbing her hand and squeezing it so tightly, she felt that he would break the bones. 

"That doesn't answer my question, Mrs. Potter," Dumbledore responded. "As you've reminded us all, these are dangerous times. If he betrays you to the dark lord...."

"He wouldn't," Lily protested. "I know it, but if you want proof, fine. I will give it to you. My mother is the assurance. She knew him as a child and occasionally sees him in Cokeworth. She has little love for him now."

Dumbledore gazed at the pretty witch before him, as if he were trying to peer into her soul. Lily seemed to sense a foreign presence when his eyes held her own and she frowned. It lasted a moment before the elderly wizard turned to James, who kept his eyes upon Lily.

"I will allow you to try, Mrs. Potter," Dumbledore responded. "But it is important that you are cautious. You might care for him, but he could still harm you. I will have a portkey made for you, in the event that you are in danger."

"Professor, you can't be serious," James shouted angrily at Dumbledore. 

"We will take every precaution for her protection."

"Well, it's easier for you, sir, isn't it? You're not about to lose your wife."

"James--,"

"No, Lily. This is suicide," James said, his voice soft and sad.

"We have to at least try. If we don't, it won't matter that we are married, not if he wins."

"Mr. Potter, do not think that I am not concerned. I am, even if you don't believe me," Dumbledore responded. "But she is right. It may save many lives if she can draw something from him."

"I am supposed to protect my wife, not send her to the snake-pit," James pulled Lily into a tight hug. "I made a promise to you, Lily. How can I fulfil it if you risk your life like this?"

"And what you do, James?" Lily asked softly, "It is much the same when you leave on a mission. Please, James. You may not trust him, but trust me."

James pulled away from Lily and his eyes were baleful as he looked at Dumbledore. "Fine. I know you will do what you want, Professor. But if anything happens to her, I am holding you responsible."

Dumbledore looked once more at Lily, before returning his eyes to James, "I will take the risk. We will do all we can to protect her."

With that James was gone, with Sirius and Remus close on his heals. His wife delayed, knowing in that moment, what her future held, "I'm sorry, sir. You didn't have to..."

Dumbledore said nothing as she trailed off, so Lily turned to leave. The elderly wizard sighed, "Perhaps your efforts can save at least one death eater, too. Be careful that you don't forget to protect yourself. Good night, Mrs. Potter." 

Lily left without another word. Of all the things that she expected, having James confront Dumbledore was not one of them. Her husband being upset was not a surprise-it was the rest that she hadn't anticipated. She knew that he would be upset about anything that was even proximal to Severus; even the fact that her mother lived in the same city as the dark wizard bothered her husband. But considering everything that transpired, that James didn't know about, she supposed it a fair reaction. It was the inevitable argument that would be awaiting her when she returned home that she didn't want to have. It did not escape her notice that unlike other arguments that had about Severus, he would now be something of a poltergeist in their lives, not just an anachronism.

* * *

Remus had cast a furtive glance at Lily as his friends practically ran from the room. James was seething with rage and he clearly needed his friends with him before he went to see the slimy snake himself. There was no denying how bad an idea it actually was; even Sirius showed skepticism, which shocked Remus. In most cases, both James and Sirius always seemed to fed off each other, which would lead to them both basically egging each other on. Remus felt left out most of the time, being naturally more shy and was always baffled when he managed successfully to reason with insanity. After the shrieking shack incident, they all had been on the verge of ending their many years of friendship. James and Sirius were sincere in apologizing to him about what they had done, but sometimes in his darker moments, he wondered that if they knew what he had felt about Severus, if they would seek his forgiveness. But Remus did remind them about one fact that no one could ignore any longer, despite being unwilling to discuss his feelings. They would be confronting a very different wizard from the one they knew in school. Remus, for a moment, thought he saw flicker of regret flash upon both their faces, when they listened to his objections.

Of course, there was Lily. Her idea made sense, but the werewolf couldn't help but feel that there was an ulterior motive. The fact that she had secretly seen the man was a red flag and even if he didn't have any sort of attachment for Severus, it had still been a surprise that she had brought her mother into it. True, June may not have had any liking for the man, but he didn't miss the pained expression when Remus told her what Severus had said. The only person that could penetrate the dark wizard's defenses was a pretty redhead and if anyone could potentially glean anything at all from the man, it would be Lily. It didn't necessarily mean that they liked it and while James eventually agreed to it, his anger was still palpable. He could trust Lily, but Snape? James couldn't bring himself to do it and neither could Sirius. Remus nodded with them, though he thought otherwise. It had little to do with them, Snape, or Lily. There was something that he saw as June interacted with the unconscious man, that she knew him in a way, that no one, aside from Lily, would ever know. June could've just as easily turned the pair away, yet she didn't, which in a way showed to Remus that maybe the man could be saved. And if that was possible, Remus thought to himself, maybe Severus could come to love him.

Not that Remus could think too long upon it-his friends, James in particular, needed his gentleness before they rushed headlong into disaster. Maybe his bespectacled friend was right that between them all, James would have gray hair. Remus hadn't meant to, but he laughed aloud at the thought of a gray-haired James driven absolutely crazy by not only his wife and friends, but also his future children. All of them would be a merry and rowdy bunch, but so full of good humor, it would be impossible to not forgive them. Of course, Sirius and James, weren't mind readers, as they stared at Remus as they lounged in the Potter's sitting room. "I'm sorry, James," Remus apologized. "I was thinking that if this is what Lily is going to do now, what do you think your children are going to do?"

"Rem's got a point," Sirius couldn't suppress a chuckle, looking at James, who shook his head and burst into laugher.

"Now I'm terrified of fatherhood," James smiled at Remus. "Thanks Rem. It's just that...."

"We know," Sirius said. "Soon this war will be over and we won't have to worry about Voldy anymore. And if we're lucky, Snape will be in Azkaban."

Remus felt a shudder of fear with the thought of Severus in Azkaban, despite how likely it was. Fortunately, neither of his friends saw it. James smiled, pleased at the prospect of his longtime enemy getting his comeuppance, "I can't wait for that to happen. How do you propose we celebrate our victory?"

"We should throw a huge party," Sirius suggested. 

"No," said Lily from the front door. "No parties."

"What if we defeat Voldemort?" James asked, sweetly.

"Of course, yes," Lily laughed lightly. "But you all need supervision."

"Not as much supervision as Snape is going to get in Azkaban," Sirius laughed. "Can't say that I'm surprised, really."

James watched as Lily paled with those words, her eyes betraying a bit of sadness. "Lily, he made his choice years ago," her husband said. "You, more than anyone, know that to be true."

"Yes," Lily responded. "But a long time ago, he was my best friend. I will celebrate the defeat of Voldemort, but....."

"You still care about him."

"James," Remus grabbed his forearm.

"No, Remus. This isn't fair."

"Yes, I do," Lily began. "And a part of me always will. But there's more to it. I mean, we went to school with some of them and practically grew up together. I don't like any of them or what they stand for, but I can still be saddened by their fate."

"Lily, sweetheart," James said softly. "They would hardly give a second thought to you."

"You're probably right," she said. "But I can't bring myself to gloat, James. Don't you ever wonder if maybe, if things were different, that we could've all been more like friends with them?"

"How you were ever friends with Snape I will never understand," James went to her and kissed her cheek. "You are far too kind.....We can still have a party though, right?"

"Only if Dumbledore and McGonagall supervise," Lily laughed, wrapping her arms around her husband. "You can all blame Sirius."

"You know, Lily," Sirius pouted. "Not every bad idea comes from me."

"Just the majority of them," Remus laughed. 

"I have a reputation to uphold," Sirius playfully punched Remus. "Besides, it's part of my allure."

"Good grief," James rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that's exactly it."

"Not my fault I'm so charming," Sirius lashed his most charming smile.

"You're an idiot," she laughed. The argument that everyone expected was, for now, on hold, to the relief of all.

And for the rest of the evening, they all could forget about the war, the gathering strength of the enemy. After James and Lily returned from the kitchen with snacks and drinks for their friends, she sat in his lap, chest resting against his shoulder. There were still a few dark clouds that floated by as they all sat in the sitting room, enjoying each others' company, relishing their love and friendship. It was a sort of extended holy moment and it was as if they all knew that this would be the last of such a happy time, thus they were treasuring it all the more. And it seemed to Remus that the hugs were longer than they had been before, when they had said goodbye. James and Lily went to bed, while Sirius and Remus walked for a time together in amicable silence before Sirius turned to him, smiling softly, "Rem, I wish that tonight could have gone on forever."

"Me, too, SIri," pulling the man to him. "Me too. Goodnight. Be safe."

"Well, no promises. You too, 'Night," Sirius smiled mischievously, before both apparated.


	10. Gwenhwyfar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily visits Severus again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book reference and quote reference is from The Once and Future King. I absolutely am fascinated with Authurian legends, hence the title. Do enjoy and comments are greatly appreciated.

After weeks of hearing nothing from Lily, Severus assumed that she had seen reason and would trouble him no more. Of course, he should have known better when he opening the door to see that she was the one knocking on it. The annoyance on his face became one of confusion, as he rushed into the house and closed the door. She laughed lightly at his discomfort, "We're you really thinking that I could be rid of that easily?"

"You should not be here," he said as she sat on the sofa, showing that she really wasn't going anywhere. "This is not the time, Lily. The dark lord--"

"Is not going to risk you," she stated matter-of-factly, cutting him off.

"And why is that?" Severus went back to the front door, making sure it was locked, clearly acknowledging that she was staying for a significant amount of time.

"You are too talented with....well-everything. Did it ever occur to you that none of the marauders ever attacked you individually?"

"Stupid name," he mumbled, before composing himself. "Why are you here? Surely Potter will worry, especially if you develop the habit of playing with snakes."

"Fortunately for me, this snake is one of the finest Potions Masters in the world. I'm sure he'll have the antidote on hand."

"You make a lot of assumptions, Mrs. Potter," Severus laughed aloud.

"Only because you are so important to me," Lily smiled at him.

"I see," Severus looked levelly at her, then left to retrieve the tea that he had prepared for himself prior to her visit, making sure to bring her some as well.

"Who is being presumptuous now?" 

"I have my reasons," he said, handing her a cup of tea and sitting next to her.

"You've always had reasons," Lily rolled her eyes at him.

There was a tense silence and she shifted her gaze from him to her cup. "Is it true you're one of them?"

"You saw my arm, Lily. You already know the answer."

She blushed with the reference, but continued to stare at the teacup resting on the coffee table, as if it were the most interesting object in the world. "Yes....but in your heart, Sev. What about that?"

He said nothing, but took a few sips of his tea, eyes fixed on her. The silence became unbearable, so much so that she couldn't help but add, "You've always been a better man when you've allowed yourself to be."

"Not really. You've always seen the best in everyone." Severus felt emboldened enough to take her hand and asked softly, "Why are you here?"

"Do I need a reason?" She responded, but seeing the look on his face, shook her head, "You are so cynical."

"You already knew that."

"How can I love such a man as that?"

His response was immediate and the tension which had momentarily dissipated returned. Severus had pulled his hand away and began to pace around the living room, trying to figure out what to do. Lily could only watch him as he eventually disappeared into the kitchen, unsure as to what she should do. Her mind was screaming at her to leave, yet her heart could hardly bear the thought of it. When he did come back, he had a plate of cheese, crackers, and grapes. Severus seemed calmer and she couldn't help but laugh, "I almost forgot that when you're nervous you become human."

He chuckled, "Are you sure about that?"

"No, but I'm working with what I got."

"That can't be very much then."

"I treasure what's there," she cast him a warm smile and dared herself to look again at him. "Are you blushing?"

Instead of answering, Severus cast his eyes upon the front door and took a sip of his tea. "Lily, why are you here?"

"I don't want to do this now."

"Are we going to dance around it all day?"

"I didn't know you loved dancing," she teased.

"Lily-."

"Please, Sev," she pleaded, her voice soft. "Let me have one moment where we can be like we once were."

'_It's too late for that, for us__,'' _Severus wanted to say. Instead he told her, "I will indulge you then."

"I know you don't mean that, but thank you." She saw him eventually sit next to her, though he avoided looking at her, which she found even more unnerving. Lily had hoped that it would be far easier to recover their intimacy, but it felt more like torture. Her mother had once told her that when it came to him, she had a galaxy-sized blind spot, which clouded her judgement. At the time, Lily laughed, denying the allegation as soon as the words were spoken. But now-maybe that was why she was here now, proving the truth that her mother had spoken, when his troubled expression told her far more than words ever could. "Sev, look at me. Is it so hard?"

"Sometimes, yes," he answered honestly, finally looking her in the eye. "You should already know why."

His look was passionate and Lily found that she could not long endure it without blushing again and turning away from him. "I haven't seen you that emotional in a long time. The last time I--"

"Lily, stop," he sighed heavily. "You don't have to say it."

"Sev, how could I not?"

"You shouldn't be here-."

"And yet here I am. You keep bringing it up as if it will change anything," she interrupted, annoyed at his repetition. "Please tell me why you reacted like you did the last time I was here. I promise to not bring it up again."

"Because I know now that you will go back to him and honestly, it is for the best, as much as I hate it. If you stay here, there is no guarantee of your protection. I've hurt both of us and you'd be safer staying away from me."

"Sev-."

"And as much as I hate him, he can protect better than I can, at least for now." He then looked Lily straight in the eye, laughing grimly, "Even if the dark lord is gone--I remember telling you about Azkaban. It's almost funny that I will eventually find myself there."

"Dumbledore. Go to him. It's not too late," she pleaded with him.

"As I said before, I can't."

"Can't or won't"

"What's the difference? There is nothing that I can give to make him believe anything I have to say."

"I hate this," Lily dropped the subjected. "I hate it so much, this feeling of being on opposite sides."

"Oh, I know. I'm well aware of when things changed between us."

"There is no way we can go back to where they were before," she said sadly, half to herself. "I want to."

"So do I, Lily," he eventually sat down next to her. "So do I."

She smiled again, leaning against him. "It's not too late, Sev. You always find a way to do the right thing."

"No, I don't," he laughed gently, snaking an arm around her.

"I know, but I'm hoping that one day you will." 

He laughed and impulsively kissed her, then panicked upon realizing what had happened. Lily was just as shocked, but didn't want the moment to end. As if on instinct, she wrapped her arms around him and deepened the kiss. The fiery redhead was not about to let him out that easily, relishing once again his touch. Shortly afterwards, they were in the same position all those weeks ago. Severus stopped for a moment, his dark eyes with same questions he had before. Her answer was the same as it was last time and she threw herself into the moment. Despite knowing that these explorations would lead to naught but unhappiness, both pretended that there was a fairytale ending, that despite everything they would be together in one fashion or another. Yet after Lily had gone, he would feel the familiar longing coupled with his own heart becoming colder and even more suffocating as he was deprived once again of her oxygen. She would remember as she lay in her bed later that night, a fragment of a line from that once-read book that she could barely recall brought her in darkness weeping: unfaithful to her husband as she knew she would be.

But she gave her first report to Dumbledore as objectively as possible, leaving out the more intimate details. James had been with her for this initial meeting, certainly curious what his wife had gleaned since he still had a hard time speaking about Severus without becoming angry or upset. Lily had a feeling that even if her former best friend could be convinced to join the Light, her husband and James would never become friends. Of course, given what had happened, she almost wanted both wizards to remain on their respective sides. Yes, it was selfish, but she could not bear the thought of him 'accidentally' letting slip how intimately he knew her. Severus would be the sort to subtly bring it up just because he was feeling petty and cruel, which of course her husband would struggle with trying to lay into him. While she did want him to do the right thing, she also selfishly wanted to protect herself from the inevitable fallout of her affair being made public.


	11. Resting in the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A graveyard visit and the promise of a fresh start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do enjoy. Apologies for the delay. Been a hectic month.

It had to stop, all of this. She knew that after the last visit; it was imperative for her own sanity. And she had for almost a month from going to see him. Lily could feel herself changing inro someone she hardly recognized and wasn't at all pleased with it. It would have been easy to blame Severus, since he didn't care that she was married. His moral compass was broken, while she just turned a blind eye to her own. Her mother and Severus had both been right, but she ignored it, hurting those that cared the most for her. James didn't deserve it, not for a moment. Yes, he had been less than perfect when they were in school, but he became the man she always knew he could be. James deserved the very best of her, not who or whatever she was now. And as she looked at him now, sitting beside her on the sofa, her heart welled up with love for him, "James?"

He looked up at her, confused as he saw the tears in her eyes, "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry for everything."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm telling Dumbledore that I can't see Sev anymore. I wanted to be friends with him again, but I can't."

"Lily--"

"I want to win this war. I really do, but what good is victory if I lose you?"

James didn't say anything, but he pulled her into his lap and they sat together for a long time in companionable silence. At some point, Lily remembered falling asleep and feeling like she was carried. When she woke up, James was gone and she was in their bed. As she looked over at the bedside table, she saw a note and a stargazer lily laid across it. While definitely not a poet, it was so sweet that she couldn't but feel like an utter fool for ever wanting to destroy it. James had been right when he brought up their choices; Severus had made his and it was for him to follow the path that he had chosen. She had no right to interfere, however well intentioned, and she would have to fight that impulse to do it. The boy that she had known was gone, just as the foolish child she was gone.

Even though she had wanted to see her mother, Lily feared that her resolve would weaken if she went to her house. Boredom was quickly setting in with James gone and after owling Dumbledore that she couldn't see Severus anymore, telling him that little had changed in her friend's attitudes towards muggles and muggleborn witches. However, she had suspected that the elderly professor knew more than he let it on, which always made her nervous. It was similar to when her dad would look at her when she was keeping a secret or lying. Now that her thoughts drifted to him, Lily even wanted nothing more than to see him again. And with that, went to see her mom, trying not to cry and hoping that June would be there. 

Like Lily hoped, June was there and upon seeing her daughter wrapped her in a hug. She apologized to June over and over for what she had done, but did not go into detail. There was no need to do so, at least not yet. Lily would eventually talk to her about everything, but for now, the lecture would be delayed. The pretty redhead pulled away and asked, "Mom, can we visit dad?"

June had wanted to cry, but said nothing of it and grabbed a light coat. The two were silent as June drove them to the graveyard on the other side of Cokeworth, far enough away from Severus, that Lily visibly relaxed. Of course, it didn't go unnoticed. The fact they both sought solace from a man that was no longer alive was more than a little strange, especially at the same time. Lily had always insisted on seeing her father alone, though she would never elaborate. Though she had her suspicions, especially now with a certain dark-haired wizard making another appearance in their lives, June kept that to herself. Severus had gone with them a few times and had taken his passing quite hard; it was one of the few times that she saw him cry. Fortunately, he wasn't there when they arrived.

_Had it been so long? 7 years since that night,_ June thought as she looked at the gravestone, never quite believing that it was real. It always seemed that him being gone had happened to someone else and he would traipse through the front door, sweeping her up in his arms. Sometimes, though she never told Lily or Petunia, June expected him to come home with the ice cream he had promised them. On those nights, she would cry herself to sleep, wanting to hear him as he sat on the bed and leaning over to kiss her cheek. Lily had wanted to go on that fatal night and if she had....June stopped thinking of it. She had always been grateful that she had her girls, since, in a way, it had meant that he was still there and she wasn't alone.

Lily had taken her father's death the hardest, though she didn't talk much about it to her. Father and daughter had a secret language, a special bond, that could never be replicated. It was much the same way June had with Petunia. And despite her efforts, both of her daughters refused to have anything to do with each other. But that had been building up over a period of years; the loss of their father just hastened it. He had a way of getting both Petunia and Lily to call a truce, but the animosity was bubbling just below the surface. With the loss of her sister, Lily had become even more attached to Severus.

"Lily?" Her daughter looked up, eyes full of tears.

"I miss him so much," Lily answered softly, leaning against her mother. "Why did he have to be taken away from us?"

June had heard that question so much and had asked herself different variations of it, that she no longer knew what to say. Each answer was just as unsatisfactory as the last, "I don't know, sweetheart."

"It's not fair."

"I know," June said, not even trying to stop the tears in her own eyes. And for the rest of their visit, not a word was spoken. Both seemed to know that it was time to leave and just as they sat inside the car, the rain fell in as a torrential flood.

* * *

It had been almost a week since visiting her father and Lily felt more at peace since then. Visiting her mother despite her concerns had been worth it and encouraged her resolution to not see him again. The world felt right again and though a part of her missed Severus, she couldn't risk putting herself in that situation again. The moment had come and gone; there would be no coming back to it ever again. In fact, she tried to think of little of him as she possible could, treating him with as much indifference as she could. Severus, she knew, would understand, perhaps assuming that she had come to her senses and in a way, she had.

Something felt utterly wrong, though, but she couldn't put her finger on it. It wasn't until she was visiting Molly, a few years married to Arthur Weasley, that she received her answer. The other witch seemed to know instinctually when she saw her what exactly was wrong. Lily, who hadn't seen her mother for a week, went over what was wrong. Molly smiled softly before exclaiming, "Lily, you're pregnant. At least by the sounds of it. You should see a mediwitch first."

Lily smiled and laughed at the news, though her mind was wheeling with the possibility. It was not something that she was exactly prepared to deal with, especially since she and James had discussed wanting children, but not now with the war going on. Their plans were now upset, though she knew her husband would be thrilled with the news of having a child. Lily ignored the thought that Severus could possibly have anything to do with her possible pregnancy. She hadn't seen him for almost a month and thought that even if she were, the likelihood would be small; it would have to be. After she went home that night, waiting for James to come home to tell him the news, doubt started to creep in. She quashed it, desiring so much for a new start, to great the beautiful child that would bring her closer to James.

As soon as James walked through that door that night, Lily flung herself into his arms and kissed him. He had laughed at her and after flinging his jacket on the sofa, danced with her about the room. She laughed and exclaimed, "You better be careful, mister."

"Aren't I always?"

"I mean it," she playfully slapped his chest. "Especially now."

"And why is that?"

She stopped him from spinning her again and put his hand on her abdomen, "I think I'm pregnant. I'll have to visit St. Mungo's to be sure, but...."

He said nothing for a moment, but stared at her, but at last flashed her the biggest smile that she had ever seen. James kissed her over and over again, before running off to his office. She expected that it was to write a letter to his best friends about the happy news. Seeing his own pleasure had increased her own joy tenfold. When she went the following day to see a mediwitchmand it was verified, her hopes were at the highest they'd been in a long while. It seemed to her that all of them, despite the gathering darkness, were on the verge of a beautiful new world. She could not wait to meet their child, to watch them grow up, and start their own family.


End file.
